Ashyknees' Time Killer

Shame is Useless

2012-01-28T11:46:00.002-05:00

When I think about how far I must go to be the kind of person I want to be, my mind floods with shame and regret--feelings that paralyze me. Shame is useless. Shame has yet to cure me of my bad habits, so why does it persist? At times like this, it's better to focus on the changes that I've made. It's better to set aside shame and fears of judgement and focus on what I can do.

What are my true standards? What are my true values? I think it's better to live within my means than worry about how a woman my age should live according to someone else's standards.

Happy Unbirthday to Me

2012-01-08T08:50:00.002-05:00

Because of my birthday issues and my dream of maintaining some shred of privacy, I do not post my birthday on the facebook (Yeah, they still have the information. Whatever.). In the past, this never stopped friends from saying happy birthday to me on my facebook wall. But this year, no one said anything. I avoided the awkward feelings that this kind of well-wishing can stir in me. The downside is that only a couple of people wished me a happy birthday.

I've been around the block a few times, so I don't expect to get the keys to the city or something just because I managed to survive another year. Still, even though I don't need a pony ride or even a cake, I kind of miss the birthday celebrations of the past. It's nice when someone throws a party in your honor. I may like privacy, but I'm not shy. These things are not mutually exclusive.

The good news is that some very dear friends did acknowledge my birthday with gifts and greetings this year. Even my sibling managed to send me a text. My parents, on the other hand, seemed almost indifferent. It was a bit odd. It was a bit troubling.

As we get older, we don't necessarily want to throw away all of the childhood things, just the childish things. Birthday celebrations are still fun. We can have cake whenever we like, so long as we can afford it, but it tastes a little sweeter with a candle stuck in it. It's a little more luscious when someone else prepares it for you to mark your continuing existence.

A few years ago, I threw a birthday party for myself. I'm glad I did. I may do it again someday. But my ideal is still to have someone else do it for me, or at least make the offer.

Improvement Shown

2011-12-28T11:06:00.001-05:00

Christmas 2011 was the best one I've had in years. No drama! Perhaps things are looking up.

Half Assed Holiday

2011-12-21T19:14:00.004-05:00

The 2011 winter holiday season has been the most half-assed of my life. Not since I painted a rock in day care and presented it as a gift to my parents have I put in so little effort.

I didn't knit anything for anyone in the family and I don't plan to.

This evening, I thought, what the heck? I'll make some Christmas cookies. I forgot to put peppermint in the peppermint meringues. My stash of brown sugar was a rock hard mass, so a quick batch of oatmeal cookies was out of the question.

If a Grinch showed up at my place, he'd have nothing to steal and nothing to return on Christmas morning.

Oh well. So what? At least this won't happen to me:

Weirder and Weirder

2011-11-27T21:45:00.000-05:00

I think I'm just getting weirder as time goes on.

Pre-Holiday Season Hairball

2011-10-28T16:14:00.004-04:00

Now I will disgorge my pre-holiday season woes in front of all five of my readers.

If only I could erase certain values from my mind, I could relax and let the fall and winter holidays come and go, participating in them as I saw fit without stress. These beliefs are the source of many problems. Here are some of my troubling beliefs:

Wouldn't it be great to bring a smile to a child's face on Halloween?
There's nothing like seeing kids having fun on a holiday.
I should be with loved ones on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I want to be with people who actually want to be with me, not people who grudgingly invited me to their homes out of pity. Therefore, I will not fish around for holiday invitations.
Giving thoughtful gifts and sharing with loved ones is one of life's great pleasures.
I love when people say, "Thank you."
I do not like the looks I get from acquaintances and co-workers when I respond to their chit-chatty questions about my holiday plans.

Yes, the answer is to ignore or explode these dysfunctional beliefs and replace them with new, healthy beliefs such as these:

Children carry diseases and are best avoided at all costs.
All holidays are just commercial hype.
Why the hell are my co-workers bothering me with their shallow small talk? As if they really care about me. It's nobody's business what I'm doing for the stupid holidays.
If I have to wheedle my way into a party just to conform to the holiday bullshit, so be it. I hope there's lots of booze.
You're born alone and you die alone. Why should what happens in between be any different?

What Kind of Meat Am I?

2011-10-12T19:03:00.001-04:00

I was just thinking that if someone wanted to cook me up and eat me, I'd be pretty meaty and flavorful, but kind of tough.

I Love Bitty Wear

2011-08-01T20:59:00.002-04:00

One of the best things about being over 40 is that I no longer have any reason to shop in silly stores such as Urban Outfitters. I gave up on that store long ago. I don't waste time with ill-fitting, poorly made tissue paper garments and barely trained, pretentious and/or clueless clerks and customer service reps. Now, I shop at places like Lands' End online and Talbots. Yes, Talbots--a store my mom used to drag me in to. Once I thought these stores were elastic waisted pastel hells. Now they seem like havens of reason.

Square Cut or Pear Shaped
Bitty wear designers understand that trends come and go, but women's shapes stay the same. Until I start to shrivel, I will always have broad shoulders, wide hips, long legs, and a big butt. And Lands End will always sell knee-length A-line skirts even if pencil skirts are all the rage. Bless them. I love to wear pencil skirts as long has they have vents. I do need to walk after all.

"I call them flavors."
When you're older, you don't need to dress in all black in order to be taken seriously. That's what the circles under your eyes are for. Time to liven up with some Talbots flavor. Bring on the chartreuse, geranium, and an orange popcicle pantsuit. Does this all seem to suburban and WASPy? It turns out the bright golf club colors look great on darker skin. How ironic.

Dresses with Pockets!
Bitty wear dresses often come with pockets, because women need to carry their own shit. When I was eighteen, I needed to carry my own shit, but too few skirts and dresses had real pockets. Old bitties don't stand for that nonsense any more. We demand pockets, and we get them.

Dresses with Sleeves!
For some reason, the fashion industry gave up on putting sleeves on dresses a few years ago. I'm sure the Obamas will be blamed, but I think it's a plot to sell more sweaters. Even if you have awesome arms and you want everyone to see you flex, winter will come, and then you will be cold and sad. Bitty Wear accepts this fact. It also understands that we all don't have awesome arms and armpits. Talbots even has a line of dresses in which the plus sizes have different sleeve lengths. The regular dresses have cap sleeves and the womens' have short sleeves. Hello, that just makes sense.

A New Breed of Stink

2011-06-29T22:51:00.002-04:00

I need a stronger deodorant. Perhaps my stink germs have evolved to withstand my current brand of deodorant, Mitchum. I might need to switch things up.

A few thoughts on in vitro leather

2011-06-22T00:52:00.003-04:00

I think more work should be put into making in vitro leather. No artificial textile or fabric compares to leather, but making it from real animal skins presents a lot of problems like costly livestock and cruel, wasteful harvests.

In vitro leather production seems to offer more benefits of in vitro flesh development with fewer hassles. In vitro leather would be relatively thin, so maybe you don't have to worry so much about creating a large in vitro vascular system to feed your in vitro skin cells as they grow. Flavor is not an issue. In vitro leather cells could be engineered to accommodate safer tanning procedures, maybe.

Maybe plants could grow leather. The plant could feed the fake skin until it's thick enough tp harvest.

I'm surprised that more research isn't happening now. Maybe it's just being done in secret to protect patented stuff.

Good Weather

2011-06-02T19:21:00.001-04:00

It's nice out. And that's very good.

That's Why the Lady is a Grump

2011-05-21T23:25:00.001-04:00

I'm too old to be friends with people I don't like.

Happy Freaking Birthday

2011-05-16T19:39:00.002-04:00

One of the most irritating things about Facebook is the birthday announcements. I've never been at ease with birthday greetings. I am horrible at remembering my loved ones' birthdays, and hopeless at remembering those of acquaintances. I get stressed out over how to sign a birthday card for a co-worker. I prefer to just sign my name and be done with it. But, no! If other people have written something clever before the card comes to me, then I can't. If I just sign my name, I'll look like some kind of robot. I'll look like I don't care about the person at all. In some cases, that's the truth, but not always.

It was better when I had plausible excuses for not saying, "Happy Birthday!" or sending a card. I could say, "Oh, you didn't tell me." or "Sorry, I forgot. I am terrible with birthdays." Now I know everyone's birthday and I have to go through the stress for everyone I bothered to "friend."

Now you may ask, how hard is it to type "Happy Birthday!" on someone's Facebook wall? Not very. But there's something disingenuous about it that makes me hesitate. Not only do I go through all the considerations connected with the collegial birthday card. I also start to question my relationship with the person. I start to wonder if the person really wants another birthday alert from yet another acquaintance. I wonder if my greeting is actually a pain in the ass instead of a kind act.

I chose not to make my birthday known on facebook. I feel like I'm doing people a favor. If they don't know when my birthday is, then they don't have to say anything about it. They are relieved of all birthday wish duties.

Cubicle Blues

2011-04-05T14:33:00.002-04:00

Why does it seem as if my abilities don't matter?All that matters are my mistakes. I know this isn't true in the grand scheme of things, but it feels true now here at work.

I wonder if I'll ever have a job that I really feel good at. I know I have abilities, but I can't see how I can make a living at any of them.

Photo Housekeeping

2011-03-26T10:42:00.002-04:00

One of the many overwhelming things about housekeeping is that I'm never sure when it is done. The truth is that it is never done. Knowing this, I feel hopeless and find it very difficult to even begin.

I've tried a couple of tricks to help me create a definite beginning and ending to chores. For instance, I will set a timer for 20 minutes and decide that I will clean for at least 20 minutes. This convinces the hopeless gremlins in my brain to shut up, because I can say, "See, this will be over in 20 minutes. This is not the myth of Sisyphus." Once the gremlins have been appeased, I can usually clean for more than 20 minutes.

Today I discovered a new trick. I took a photograph of my disaster zone kitchen. This allowed me to truly see what I'm dealing with. Since I'm accustomed to messy surroundings, sometimes I can't really perceive how bad they are. "Oh, it's just a mess. I don't even want to think about it." Then, when I do allow myself to see the mess, it's like a kick in the head. I say to myself, "How can you live like this? You are a grown woman. This is disgusting! How can you improve your life if you can't even keep your house in order?" Rather than face those ugly thoughts, I will avoid dealing with housework until it reaches a critical mass.

Photography gives me the objective distance I need to overcome all the emotional stuff that hampers my efforts. Better yet, it gives me an inspiring reference point. When I start to feel run down from the tediousness of cleaning, I can look at the photograph and see that I'm really not done, or see that I've made a lot of progress.

Hopefully, I will be able to take a picture of my rooms when they are clean (I'm not sure how to know when my rooms are really clean). Then I will have another useful reference.

Ugly Snapshots

2011-03-07T16:49:00.003-05:00

If you just read my last two blog entries, maybe you'd think my life sucks, and you'd be right. But you would also be wrong. It's true that I do many pleasurable things and have all kinds of deep, beautiful thoughts. But I write about that stuff elsewhere.

Right now, I feel very shitty. And I want to tell someone about it.

My job continues to be some kind of soft hell. I feel absolutely no motivation to do any of my work. None, except some faint mist rising from my distant dissolving work ethic and a vague fear of termination.

I will, out of consideration for my department colleagues, do stuff. Eventually. Perhaps soon. But that is the only good reason I can think of to do my work.

Here's the thing. I like praise. Yes. I'm one of those. And my boss rarely praises me. Nor does she scold me. Other people in other departments have given me more direct positive feedback than my boss has.

I think I'm beginning to understand what's driving things. The people who complain the most are the most powerful in this organization. This is quite stupid. One of these people dislikes me. The other pays very little attention to me. The people who complain the least are the ones who give me compliments, but these people don't seem to have as much power because no one is afraid of them. Another weird thing is that none of these people are in my department.

Weird shit is happening. The soft hell is getting prickly.

Robbing Peter to Pay Peter

2011-02-07T13:49:00.002-05:00

My finances are really out of whack. I'm doing all kinds of weird transfers just to stabilize things.

Sometimes I get a bit too ambitious with the debt reduction and wind up cutting things too close to the bone. I will set a more realistic pace for myself going forward.

And as usual I must pay more attention.

My Cubicle is On Fire

2011-02-04T12:02:00.003-05:00

My apathy for my job seems to be at its peak--if apathy can have a peak. I don't hate this place enough for me to run away. I don't like it enough to care about my work. I just do the minimum requirements.

Maybe if I imagine that my cubicle is on fire, that would motivate me to find a better position.

Need to Thaw Out

2011-01-31T11:23:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm in a post holiday torpor. It seems like everything is kind of frozen in my life now. I want to find ways to break through, make improvements, and create and discover new opportunities.

Meditation seems promising. There are other things I can follow up on.

Stiffling the Knee-Jerk

2010-12-14T14:31:00.002-05:00

My job required me to contact a bunch of libertarians and just looking at their publications pissed me off. Still, I did my duty with no snark.

Even though I agree with libertarians (real libertarians) and anarchists on some things, they do piss me off more than conservatives and people to the left of me. I think it's the veneer of reason over a sort of denial of reality that bothers me so much.

Really, I would like to be more comfortable dealing with people who don't share my political philosophies. I try. Sometimes I succeed. For example, I recently watched a half hour tv interview of Condoleeza Rice and she didn't piss me off once.

By the way, anyone who says university presses only publish left wing stuff can suck it. This place publishes authors with a wide range of viewpoints, even though well-funded conservative and libertarian think tanks already make sure their arguments get their time in the sun.

No, we did not publish a book by a holocaust denier, because that would be stupid.

I Can't Use It

2010-12-12T18:22:00.002-05:00

Some child-free people say they don't understand how any adult can enjoy the company of small children. They roll their eyes when anyone tells cute kid stories, but frequently, these same people constantly post photos of their cats and dogs and go on and on about the way Fluffy plays with a wad of paper or likes to jump on their lap.

I like animals. I would get a dog if I had enough space and time to care for it properly. But I could never muster up the level of enthusiasm for pets, especially cats, that many of my friends express.

Gone Fishin'?

2010-12-10T23:47:00.002-05:00

This week I received two email alerts from Plenty of Fish. Some pseudonyms want to meet me, but I don't care enough to bother to find out who they are.

I Think It's Working

2010-12-10T22:19:00.002-05:00

On the vanity front, I think the drug store brand retinol cream is working. I believe the skin on my face looks slightly better. Better than what? Better than I remember it looking.

That's the problem in evaluating these beauty products. I tried to take a "before" photo of my face the day I started using this stuff, but I didn't feel like taking the time to set up my camera to do it properly, so eager was I to smear this famous goop on my face.

My main goal is not wrinkle reduction. Even since puberty, my pores have been enlarged, clogged, or volcanic. And while I doubt this retinol stuff will give me the pores of an immaculately conceived toddler, I do hope it will reduce my pores significantly.

After about 5 nights of applying the cream, I haven't noticed any pore shrinkage, but my skin looks brighter.

I

2010-12-09T23:32:00.001-05:00

Busy as Hell

2010-12-06T20:15:00.002-05:00

I'm so freaking busy. It's good, but I must make time to eat properly and exercise. At least I got it together to make decent dinners for myself for the past couple of days. Tomorrow, my job will take me out of town. I'll only be gone for a day. I guess I'd better do the laundry. Wouldn't want to travel without clean drawers!

Sneezin on the Season

2010-11-22T16:09:00.002-05:00

Each year I get less excited about the winter holidays. The push to shop, the focus on households that are unlike mine, and the barrage of unhealthy foods are just a few of my least favorite things about this time of year.

I want to enjoy the holidays. I want to celebrate. Unless I do something to make Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year work for me, the whole holiday joy thing will continue to fade into memory.

I will come up with ways to make the holidays more fun and meaningful.

Like Marlene Dietrich

2010-11-15T22:48:00.002-05:00

I want to cultivate the skill of getting people to take decent photographs of me. This would be easier if I was shorter or I could convince people to stand on chairs when taking the shot. Here are some ideas.

Fight natural tendency to face away from the sun.
Suck it in!
Shoulders back. I'm all slouchy like LaVerne DiFazio in too many of my pictures.
Get a more flattering sports bra. (I like to have my picture taken when I am doing sporty things outdoors so I'm usually dressed for comfort.)

What I can't figure out is where to put my face. Should I point my chin down and away from my neck? What I'm doing now, sticking my chin up and out, isn't working. Would it be better to hold my face at an angle or give full frontal face?

The internet will have answers.

My Moody Makes Me Moody

2010-11-14T23:20:00.003-05:00

I'm tired of being moody. I know there isn't much I can do about it. Sometimes all I can do is remind myself that a bad mood is not forever.

Sometimes I feel like everyone can see when I'm in a bad mood, and I hate that. Sometimes I feel like no one can see when I'm in a bad mood, and I hate that, too.

These things make very little sense.

There are people who send my guard hairs up and often I can't explain it. I feel a need to be cold or even antagonistic with these people, but they haven't done anything bad to me. They aren't necessarily rude or aggressive with me. I have to remind myself that I don't need to freeze up on these people or throw barbs at them. Even if they are actually assholes, I should just relax. There's no need to strike first.

P. S.
I think I figured out why I was so moody this evening. I attended back-to-back social events. Most of the people at these events were acquaintances and strangers. During the first event, I spent a lot of mental energy trying to avoid being obnoxious. I couldn't totally let my guard down at the second event either even though I have known the hosts for several months.

Exploding the Plastic Inevitable

2010-11-08T21:27:00.003-05:00

I would like to rewrite most of my myths. First I have to find them, then take them apart.

The first myth I have to explode is the idea that I will always be a certain kind of person, or that the kind of person I am can't do certain things. I don't mean things like being a gymnast, giving birth to 5 children, or earning a PhD in astrophysics. On the other hand, I don't mean things like balancing my checking account everyday or never eating another pastry again. Some things ain't gonna happen for various reasons. But there are a lot of great things that I can do and actually want to do that seem out of reach, even though there are no real barriers in my way accept my beliefs.

Trying to break bad habits or at least mitigate them requires that I actually believe that change is possible. I'm starting to convince myself that meaningful change can happen, but since I'm pretty stubborn, it's a tough sell. The thing that seems to work best is catching myself at little turning points when I'm doing something that is so "me" that it almost seems inevitable. At those moments I ask myself, "Do I have to do that? Is this inevitable?" And the answer is usually "No." These moments are difficult to identify. Then, another question often arises. "If I am not going to do this action that's not so good for me, what am I supposed to do instead?" Nothing is not a good answer. I'm not a stand and breathe kind of woman. So I have to prepare an alternative.

Sometimes other people are helpful. Sometimes they are not. Seeing other people actively change can be uncomfortable. When I see people struggling to make changes, I will wonder if they need to put themselves through all the stress. I would rather seem them comfortable. But if they were truly relaxed and at peace with their situation, instead of just familiar with it and quiescent, they wouldn't be struggling. Some of the changes other people try seem kind of unnatural or just plain stupid to me. These are usually changes that involve the structure of body parts, physical urges, or third parties. You might be able to convince me that nuclear power is a viable source of energy, but you're never going to get me to close the cupboard every time I take out a dish.

Someday, Schmetterling

2010-10-27T20:07:00.002-04:00

"Someday, I will be a beautiful butterfly, and then everything will be better."--Heimlich in A Bug's Life.

Wanted: Lovin'

2010-10-22T12:41:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I want some loving right now. Luv-in. Hugs and cuddles. Live reassurance. Understanding. Someone call Temple Grandin so she can build me a hugging machine.

Thoughts from the Last Few Weeks

2010-10-07T12:01:00.002-04:00

Oh, neglected blog, thrown over for newfangled social media and real-life pursuits. I am back.

Here's what I've been thinking about lately.

The whole "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" thing, being a grown-up with no family obligations (looming fears of aged, disabled parents not withstanding)
The next career move, purpose, vocation, virtue, or not.
How we value and do not value working with our hands
Time management
Knitting
Sewing
Researching hair care and hair styling techniques
How learning to care for my hair could be a metaphor for finding a career and life that's right for me.
How I'm just not that into make-up
Rebuilding my wardrobe
How I love hiking, leaves, sunshine, and all that outdoor shit.
If I could do anything and be guaranteed not to fail...
How to be middle-aged.
How I'm still not so excited about men who are 15 years older than me
Middle-aged people need to floss and brush more often.
Sugar
Pudding, and lots of it

Duck!

2010-09-20T20:12:00.001-04:00

Family holiday magic is in the air.

RSVPeeved

2010-09-19T09:10:00.003-04:00

Many people today, myself included, are very sloppy about the RSVP process. The computing and telecommunications revolution has made it so easy for people to over-commit, be non-committal, and in the end, to flake. Our smart phones and electronic calendars could just as easily facilitate good manners, but instead they seem to foster indecision and last minute bale outs.

Today's hosts are probably aware that many of the people they invite to events are going to be flaky. We may no longer expect prompt or decisive replies to our invitations. Still, slipshod RSVPing pisses people off. Hosts still need to know how many people will show up. Food, drinks, and restaurant seats will not disappear or appear like icons on a computer screen. There is no tesseract app that can instantaneously bring people together to accommodate last minute changes.

It appears that flakyness breeds flakyness. People may not know if they can attend event x, because they are waiting to hear about a possible event y, which is contingent on event z. They don't want to disappoint their friends, so they say yes to everything or no to everything, maybe, or worse, nothing. Saying nothing to a friend's invitation is worse in my book because I as a host don't know what that means. Does that mean my friend didn't receive the invitation? Does it mean they're still thinking about it? Does it mean they forgot? Does it mean they don't give a shit? Not responding at all to something like a Meetup.com announcement is fine.

In the world of Meetup.com, some organizers don't allow people to RSVP maybe and they will ban members who RSVP yes then fail to show up. At first I thought these organizers needed to pull the cactus out of their butts, but after organizing an event myself, I understood how annoying and rude these indecisive attendees really are. It's thoughtless to reserve a space for yourself, then not show up. At the very least, that spoils someone else's chance to attend the event. The rudeness of the meetup no-show seems self-evident to me now, but I have learned that few truths are actually self-evident.

I didn't really understand how annoying my chronic lateness was until about 6 years ago. Really. I was going through some therapy and systematically examining my social skills as I never had before. I understood why I had to be punctual at work, or on time for a train or a movie, but the value of punctuality didn't sink in as far as friendships were concerned. I asked friends what it meant to them when people were late. While it sounds so obvious to me now, at the time I was surprised to learn that they found lateness insulting. I knew my lateness was a pain in the ass, but I never meant it as an insult. My rudeness was not self-evident. I was a blockhead. Once I realized that, I felt wretched for being late or missing events. Knowing that lateness was hurtful didn't stop me from being late because my time management skills still needed work, but that's another story.

Anyway, when dealing with strangers who have diverse and unknown expectations, I believe that some people need explicit RSVP courtesy instructions. So I spell them out when I'm organizing for meetup.com. Because of my personal history and because sometimes even the most considerate and well-organized people will have to flake under certain circumstances, I will not ban no-shows from my meetup events. Yet I sympathize with those who do ban.

Excellent Day, Lame Night

2010-09-19T08:02:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, my plans to make the most of life succeeded without a doubt. I went on a challenging yet non-life threatening adventure with a group of friendly strangers. I learned that I can climb rocks without shredding my skin, exhausting my muscles, or cracking my skull open. Indeed, I can carry my weight. I did not allow the nutty woman with the grating voice to irritate me to the point of losing my cool. I made sure to speak to some kind of cute guys who were my age and didn't seem insane. I met some young people from the middle east and we talked about music, culture, food, history, and politics. I saw spectacular views and amazing raptors in their natural habitat.

So hurray for me for choosing awesomeness yesterday. After that, I wonder why I went on to chose to have a lame night.

Sure, I was tired, but I didn't go to sleep. My night began with a re-run of a Nova program on human evolution. Things devolved into a festival of frozen waffles. I could have gone to the free telescope demo thing in Center City. I could have knitted. Hell, I could have done chores. Out of many useful and fun options, I chose lameness. When I finally went to bed, I had a nightmare in which one of my coworkers was fired and I fell off a bridge.

So, hopefully yesterday has taught me that I can chose to be excellent or chose to be lame. Being lame is not inevitable. The only reward for choosing to be lame is the reinforcement of my lame habits and beliefs. I imagine two lameless gremlins are to blame. I'll call the first one Whimpy. The second one is Scold. They are a tag team of miserly. Whimpy sighs. "Oh, you want to go out again and get on the trolley? That's so hard. And to do what? Look at Jupiter through a telescope with some strangers? It'll be cold. No one will be there but freaks. It's not independent and inquisitive. It's dorky. You're not even that good at science. You'll feel lonely and out of place. Why risk disappointment? Just stay home. You'll probably get bored and eat too much, but it won't be disappointing." Now Scold is gloating about my lame night. "You see, I told you. I told you if you stayed home you would just indulge in sloth and gluttony. Lazy pig!"

Well, bite me, gremlins. My day was excellent, and there's nothing you can say about it.

The Only One

2010-09-16T20:35:00.002-04:00

you know she used to have to wait around
she used to be the lonely one
but now that she can skate around town
she's the only one

Disqualifying Myself

2010-09-16T20:22:00.002-04:00

When I look at job postings, I have a petrifying habit of immediately generating reasons why I won't get the job. I just have to plow through all the reasons why I won't get the job and apply anyway. I also imagine myself failing if I do get the job. Maybe the only way to delete this script from my mind is to succeed.

I could also try to imagine being successful. Imagining career success is difficult for me. I can imagine a scarf I plan to knit, but I can't picture "success." What the hell is it?

The last time I tried to visualize success on the job, the best I could do was see the vacations. I saw myself traveling, seeing more live shows, making donations, and otherwise being a cultured woman about town disposing her great disposable income. These activities were clearly enjoyable, but the pleasure and mastery of actual paying work itself was hazy.

Harnessing the mind

2010-09-15T07:50:00.002-04:00

I find it easier to apply my mental powers to pretty much everything else except strategies to get what I want in this life.

Draining

2010-09-10T14:17:00.003-04:00

Hopefully, my head will drain itself of all the allergens soon. I wish I could guide these fluids somehow. Maybe if I bow my head even closer to my keyboard, the irritating drippings will stay away from my poor sore throat.

Is the Piggy Back Ride Really Over?

2010-08-26T00:19:00.003-04:00

After going through the trouble of changing my eating and exercise habits, I did something that I've never done before. I lost a significant amount of weight.

Even though I could write a lengthy post about how other people have responded to the change in my physique, I won't go into too much detail about other people other than to say some of the least disturbing reactions came from the people who said next to nothing about it.

I will talk instead about my own sort of surprising reaction to the change. Now, it's like, well I did this. Was it worth it? And, more importantly, will it be worth it for me to sustain my new fitness behaviors? Before you say, "What kind of no-brainer questions are those?," please note that for most of my post-pubescent life I didn't bother trying to lose my excess weight. I didn't think weight loss was worth the effort except for 2 times when I noticed that my weight was in the obese range. In the first instance, I quit trying to lose weight as soon as I dipped back into the merely overweight range.

Now I am, by some standards, no longer overweight. Is that good? I said yes, but it took me a while to get to that yes.

It is important to me to say this yes out loud because so much of the highly hyped benefits of weight loss are based on the external. In contrast, my yes is based on how I my body feels inside and how it feels as I move through space. This pleasure is all mine. Nobody else sees the breeze between my knees. Maybe more stores carry clothes in my size now, but the clerks aren't going to give me better service because I have more energy--not just after a workout but whenever I move. No one says, "I love how you don't actually have to eat until you're groggy." No one says, "It's so cute how you don't have to stop doing something fun because you're out of breath after two minutes."

The absence or lessening of pain and discomfort is not the same as pleasure in my book, but it's nothing to take for granted either. Before I lost weight, it was as if I was carrying around an average size 3-year-old all the time. Now that the piggy back ride is over, do I really want to pick that kid up again? My knee and my spine will revolt if I do, even if I keep them strong. My body parts will do what they always do when they are overburdened. I can't expect them to change. My behaviors, on the other hand, can be changed. And now I am much more confident that I can change my behaviors as I see fit going forward.

Soon I will move on to other fitness-related goals beyond weight loss and weight maintenance. Of course, weight is just one measure.

Bell du Jour

2010-08-25T16:54:00.002-04:00

This online meditation/mindfulness bell that I learned about while flipping through a friend's yoga magazine seemed to help me manage my time at work today. If I go astray, the chime gently lets me know that time is passing and I'd better quit goofing around. The mindfulness bell less annoying to my co-workers than the little kitchen timer I was using. The kitchen timer works better because it ticks and I can quickly see how much time has passed, but its ring is pretty obnoxious.

Freaky Armpit Bleach Stains Explained

2010-08-18T22:04:00.002-04:00

One of my charming new shirts was ruined by weird beach-like stains from my gel antiperspirant (Yeah, I know. I shouldn't block the sweat. Sweat is nature's perfume. Okay.). This never happened to me before and I don't want it to happen again when I use antiperspirant, so I had to do some research. At first I blamed the shirt maker for using a wimpy dye. But this article convinced me that my gel use was the culprit. It also explains that I don't have to give up the gel if I use it differently.

Air Shiraz

2010-08-11T21:45:00.002-04:00

Tonight I took a family member to dinner at a posh local restaurant. I had a glass of Shiraz and it really seems to have altered my perception. The evening was filled with deja vu moments, maybe because it was a French restaurant or maybe because had dreamed about this dinner last night and the memories of the dream kept coming back. To make it even trippier, my dinner companion started things off with a long discussion of Inception.

I was very happy with the meal over all, although I wish I'd had the steak instead of the quail. I would love to return there and try different dishes, but even with a special summer prix fixe, one meal at this place costs the same as a weeks' worth of groceries. If I could eat alone at this place without drawing negative attention, I would go back for lunch.

I Read a Novel

2010-08-09T23:44:00.003-04:00

I finally finished reading a novel this week. I do a lot of reading for work, but it's all non-fiction. Even my leisure reading tends to be non-fiction. The book that defied the trend was The Elegance of the Hedgehog. And I liked it.

Learning my ABCs

2010-08-05T20:37:00.003-04:00

"A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing."

Apparently, the ABC of meeting guys is Always Be Cute. Look as cute as possible every time you leave the house. Cute at the grocery store. Cute at the post office. Cute all the damn time. I haven't tried this yet.

Bother

2010-08-05T15:06:00.003-04:00

It's difficult to know if pursuing romance is worth the bother when I don't even know what the bother is.

It's been over a year since I've been on a date. I haven't come up with any more ideas for meet guys other than trying a new online dating site. A friend did try to set me up with someone, but that wasn't my idea.

I have come to the conclusion that the straight, single guys between the ages of 38 and 52 who live within a 50 mile radius of mu home are not interested in me. This conclusion is not based on exhaustive research, however I can't come up with any ways to disprove this notion.

52! Let me just get this off my chest. As much as 40 year-old-guys don't want to date women over 39, I am not all fired up to date anyone much over 45. Guys, if you think we ladies all go to seed after 35 while you all ripen into Denzel Washingtons and George Clooneys, you are so very wrong. Some older guys are hot, but nobody escapes from gravity just because they have testicles. Men who don't take care of themselves look crappier as they get older. Male flab is just as flabby as female flab. Older men, your wrinkles are just as wrinkly if not more so since most of you have done next to nothing to take care of your skin. What's left of your gray hair is just as gray as ours. It is not more distinguished, it is less pigmented. If you didn't have much character or personality when you were twenty, thirty, or forty, I doubt that any extra years will turn you into a worldly sage. And one thing that certainly doesn't improve with age is your stamina. I would say, get over yourselves, but you don't have to. I guess there are plenty of younger women who are willing to ignore your overgrown ear hairs and droopy bits.

People might read this and say, "No wonder she doesn't meet guys. What a bitch. She's so mean. She doesn't appreciate droopy bits. I love droopy bits. I love reminiscing with my boyfriend's kids about 80s pop culture and swapping recipes with his ex-wives. I can't wait until my old man gets even older. I can't wait to stand by his grave and watch him decay. That will be so hot!"

I guess I am just a mean mistreater.

Don't Make a Wish

2010-07-20T10:25:00.002-04:00

For a pessimist, I sure do a lot of wishful thinking. And that kind of thinking always bites me in the ass. Next time I'm tempted to pull the wool over my own eyes, I hope I'll have the strength to slap myself out of the delusion. I'm afraid I'll never learn.

More Facebook Awkwardness

2010-07-19T16:06:00.002-04:00

You know what's awkward? Watching a bunch of you know people post birthday wishes to a coworker's Facebook page, but being blocked by that same coworker from doing the same thing. I never thought I was best buddies with this person, but I don't know what I did to this guy to warrant getting the block. It's not like he's an in-law. It feels kind of shitty. Oh, well.

If Aretha and Condi can do it...

2010-07-18T18:00:00.002-04:00

It's sad that so many grown people are still hung up about who's too black, who is black enough, and who is too bourgie. That kind of thinking was silly in elementary school, crippling in the teen years, and it's just plain pathetic in adults. If the Queen of Soul can team up with the former Secretary of State, I think the rest of us can get past the arbitrary social distinctions that we've bought into and treat each other better.

Maybe there's an inescapable impulse to categorize people, but because everyone is born into a set of circumstances that they can't control it's pretty pointless to make value judgments based on where they grew up or what their parents did or did not do for a living.

In all honesty, it's easier for people in the same social class to get along with each other. But just because it's easier doesn't mean it's wise to avoid other groups of people all together. I'm sure I seem crass and boring to the rich, and stuck up and boring to the poor. I confess that when I first met very rich people, they were often irritating if not infuriating, but this was not a good enough reason not to take advantage of some of the knowledge and resources they had. And when I overhear poor people talking on the trolley some of their attitudes still amaze me, but this is no reason for me to stop riding the trolley and try to block these people from my view or remain ignorant about them.

Sometimes class walls seem even higher in the black community, even though the actual differences in our incomes may be smaller. The stand up comic Patrice Oneal has a routine about kids in the same neighborhood living on the same street making a big deal over who lived in public housing and who didn't. This kind of difference seems significant in the small world of a city block, but when you zoom out a bit, it's a joke.

Often it's the people who are middle class or who have middle class ties who get the most fired up about trying not to seem middle class. And if you're just talking about style, this is understandable, because the middle is boring. But this anti-bourgeois pose can lead to self-defeating acts and missed opportunities. And the people with working class backgrounds or experience in poverty often spend a lot of energy trying to act like money is no object. This leads to maxed-out, stressed out nonsense. What is the point of spending our limited resources trying to appear upscale or spending limited resources trying to seem more down (sometimes I think it's more expensive to avoid looking bourgeois)? The sadder question is, who are we really trying to impress?

You can feel proud about where you come from and proud of your family's strengths without trying to make others feel shame about their backgrounds.

Money, why won't you stay a while?

2010-07-17T18:52:00.000-04:00

Men Eat Food and Work

2010-07-15T23:20:00.005-04:00

I confess that about once a week or so, I stand on the edge of completely giving up on dating. Usually I don't even bother remarking on this lack of hope, because if I gave up on romance who would notice the difference anyway? The hope returns, usually based on nothing, and I keep using the same the ineffective tactics I've been doing for the last year to attract potential suitors.

But this week is different. A friend has managed to put me in touch with a friend of a friend. Nothing else has happened with that yet, and nothing more may ever happen. Then, a most generic guy actually sent me a message through OKCupid. This guy's communications could be the title of a Talking Heads album: More about a Man Who Eats Food and Work in Buildings.

I am a man.
Planes fly over my house.
I work with technology.
I like your profile.
Woman, be friends with me.

I am a brown man
who cooks the food
my ancestors cooked.
Don't be afraid.
I'll make it taste real good.

Oh oh
I like to have fun.
Oh oh
Thank you for your time.
Oh oh
I like to have fun.
Oh oh
Thank you for your time.

XXL to M and Mixxled Up

2010-07-13T16:48:00.004-04:00

Okay. What the hell size am I? I wore a size 14 in high school. I don't know what my actual measurements were at the time. For a strange period about 10 years after high school when I lived in New York City and smoked cigarettes, I my size went down to a 10. Eventually, I regained some weight and I crept up to a 16 where I plateaued--or so I thought. At the beginning of this year, I weighed a LOT more than I did in high school and I was pushing the size 18 envelope. Now I am back down to my "Manhattan weight" (without the nicotine, lucky me!), but I can pack into a size 8. There's no way to know what my actual size was based on the clothes I wore at any given time. This is messing with my mind, man. I am not flattered by this shift in clothing industry size standards. I'm just confused.

Stop playing games with me, fashion industry! Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Pick a standard and tell me what size your clothes are so I don't have to spend all my time trying them on and guessing what might fit. It works for shoe sizes. It works for men's pants. Please.

Something Awesome

2010-07-07T09:53:00.003-04:00

People are doing great things. I want to make something awesome happen for myself soon. I don't know what it is. I need to set aside some time and ask myself honestly what I truly want. This question terrifies me. When I am aware of what I truly want, then I must also be aware of the likelihood of obtaining what I want and the amount of effort required to get it.

In the past, it felt easier to give up on what I really wanted or to water it down in some way, and that lead to failure. I made the biggest mistakes in my life by distorting or destroying my own ideas about what I wanted to do in order to fit other people's definition of success. Instead of being practical about making my own dreams come true, I tried to live out other people's ideas. And when I failed at that, it became difficult for me to make any real plans.

It's true that many things are beyond my direct control. In some cases, all I can do is put myself in a position. All I can do is blow the seeds off the dandelion head and hope that some will sprout. It's not hopeless. Look at all the dandelions out there.

Can I Put a Price on Gratitude?

2010-07-03T15:55:00.004-04:00

Can I put a price on gratitude? Yes. In my particular case, the price is between three and five thousand dollars.

Putting a price on gratitude is a big relief. Before I came up with this price range, I was anxious and uncertain. Now, I have a plan. If anyone asks me how much gratitude I have, I will be able to answer quickly and calmly.

The only question still hanging over my head is how many hours of labor and stress are equal to my gratitude. This equation is easy for me to solve in cases where someone really needs my help. But when someone knowingly and recklessly puts himself in a situation where he is likely to need my help, the calculation becomes much more difficult.

It's the punctuation, stupid.

2010-06-28T18:41:00.003-04:00

I just noticed that I'd forgotten to end a sentence with period in my online dating profile. Now that I've corrected that mistake, I expect the suitors to come rolling in.

Solitude I did not chose

2010-06-24T22:00:00.003-04:00

I don't think I was meant to live alone. I really don't want to live alone.

I don't see my solitude as the result of conscious decisions, but I suppose it is because as much as I enjoy companionship, I would rather live alone than live with others under crazy circumstances.

For instance, I suppose I could have intentionally gotten pregnant and become a single mother. Perhaps I could still do that. But I know that I am not the kind of woman who could properly raise a child on her own.

I wonder if there's anything more I could do to work towards ending my solitude without changing my values.

Return to Normalcy

2010-06-21T01:25:00.003-04:00

I am back in my hometown, so to speak. The place where I grew up is familiar and strange, not just because I've spent so little time here over the past fifteen years. I think it was always sort of strange in a way. It was strange in that so many people in this region, and even in other parts of the country, thought that the place was normal. It was so normal that it was frequently depicted in fiction or invoked in political and cultural discussions as the epitome of the average, the typical, the regular. It specificities had been sanded down, even in the minds of some of its citizens. I met a guy from Chicago who insisted that he didn't have an accent because there was no Chicago accent. He just spoke normally. Sure, groups of people have always said, "Oh, those people over there are weird. Those people talk funny." But the people where I grew up could say these things with a conviction that I have not seen matched by anyone else in this country. And people elsewhere in the country would speak with an equally strong conviction about the blandness of the region surrounding my hometown. Surely, the germ of the place was ground away. It's strip malls are somehow more stripped. The people in the West know we are cultureless because that's what they've seen in the media that they produce. The people in the East know that we are dull because they cannot see our edges. The people in the South know we are passionless because we aren't as demonstrative. Our normalness was both inspiring and terrifying, like a blank page. Or maybe more like a slice of bread, comforting or boring.

I guess the middle is easy to equate with the normal. But it's no more or less normal than anyplace else. This seems so obvious to me that I feels odd to point it out, yet I am compelled to mention it.

If They Weren't Attached

2010-06-13T23:17:00.001-04:00

It's getting to the point where my ATM cards are like the drummers for Spinal Tap.

Taxi Crab

2010-06-05T05:12:00.004-04:00

Okay, why do they even bother putting those credit/debit card swiping machines in taxi cabs? The drivers make such a stink when passengers want to use them. Just get rid of the damn things.

My experience with these devices puts me in an "I hate everyone" mood. Now I especially hate taxi drivers. Theirs is a dangerous job. But so is trying to get home if you're alone in the wee hours in a town with crappy overnight transit. Too many cab drivers talk to me like I'm a party girl then flip out over trivial things. I just want to get home, mister. Sad to say, fellow black drivers can be the worst. They get angry when I tell them which way to turn. They get angry if I don't have small bills. They tell me I should straighten my hair. Etc. In short, they are way more disrespectful to me than any danger can excuse.

It's as if huge numbers of people have just given up on the whole golden rule. Sometimes others don't want you to do unto them as you would have others do unto you. Still the golden rule is a good start. Late at night, we all just want to get home in one piece. Caution is understandable. Still, automatically treating strangers like whores doesn't make the journey any easier.

Human History written by Sylvester McMonkey McBean?

2010-06-01T00:41:00.007-04:00

It appears that human history is being written by Dr. Suess's enterprising character Sylvester McMonkey McBean, the fix it up chappie who said, "You can't teach a sneetch."

I don't expect members of historically oppressed groups to have extraordinary powers of acceptance or even tolerance. Oppression often has the opposite effect on people. Still, imagine what it would be like if everyone who was part of a second class group and everyone who was persecuted or who's ancestors were persecuted actually applied the lessons of their people's suffering to the way they treated other groups. What if they would or could bypass self-loathing and other-loathing? Would pride in one's ancestry be so easily connected with violent tribalism?

What would happen when the next wave of immigrants meets the children of the previous wave?

What vortexes of bloodshed would lose their power to attract fresh meat?

Limburger

2010-05-28T01:35:00.001-04:00

Limburger
I asked a guy to dance with me at a social dance--not a night club, but a place I think most people go just to dance and have platonic good times. He said, "No thanks, I'm tired." Then during the same song, he started dancing energetically with a friend he ran into. And when I new song started, he asked someone else to dance. And I was offended. I should have stood up and sang, "Why won't you dance with me? I ain't no limburger!"

I've danced with limburger. I've danced with guys who don't smell bad, but who are drenched in sweat. I've danced with women. I take all comers. But it appears that Mr. LeTired does not share my open door policy of social dance, a policy that was based on many etiquette talks given by the organizers of this particular dance organization.

Dancing with me can't be described as a pure delight. And not long ago, I went through a phase of being wretched even for a beginner. But honestly I am much better now. And I'm better in part because I danced with lots of people. I can't get better unless I dance more. And I can't always dance with the same guys from my cohort (the people who sort of started dancing at the same time I did).

Anyway, Mr. LeTired probably did not intend to offend me. I imagine his main goal was to not dance with me, and if I didn't like it, too bad. And when people he wanted to dance with appeared, again his intentions had nothing to do with me. Of course he would rather dance with his friends. Of course he would rather dance with people with his level of prowess. But I have my own aims, and I don't like to have someone get in the way of those aims.

Intentionally

2010-05-28T01:02:00.005-04:00

Recently I've been thinking about intention and the assumption of intention in human interaction. The assumption of intention must serve some purpose, otherwise why would we be so quick to make that assumption. But right now the assumption of intention just seems to cause more trouble than it's worth.

I shake my fist at you, stupid mistakes!

2010-05-04T18:44:00.002-04:00

I am not stupid, but I make many stupid mistakes and that's just how it is.

Ever since I was a little kid, I have been plagued by nonsensical errors and omissions. "Well, you would have aced this test, but you kept making these stupid mistakes. Next time, just don't make these stupid mistakes."

Just don't. Just stop. We won't tell you how. Why should we bother? It's obvious that these mistakes are stupid. Why did you think that it was a good idea to forget to carry the two? Why?

Okay, first of all, are there any smart mistakes? Perhaps I should switch to making those, then I would be famous and revered in spite of my errors. Alan Greenspan comes to mind. I'll bet he was never scolded for forgetting to carry the two.

Today, I know that I have some power over the number of stupid mistakes I make, but that power is limited. I have fewer mental glitches when I am well-rested and I can put a quality control routine in place. That requires time. I can also delegate boring, detailed, or repetitive tasks when help is available. Still, I can't always control my work circumstances. Work piles up though a combination of my time management problems and outside factors. I can't always set aside extra time to double check things when I am given a last minute assignment. I can't stop people from asking me questions when I am tired or hungry. And when something seems obvious, it's harder for me to remember to check. Well, even top surgical teams have benefited from check lists. They are great when I remember to read them.

Some ADHD support web site or pamphlet would tell me to embrace my stupid mistakes. They can lead to wonderful discoveries, so long as the discoveries don't result in loss of life or limb. But mostly, they just make me look like a dingbat and lead people to talk to me as if I was an imbecile.

Sesame Oil

2010-05-01T20:33:00.002-04:00

I am using sesame oil as a daily hair conditioner and it's excellent. This cosmetic sesame oil is practically odorless. It feels lighter than olive oil, yet it keeps my hair softer for longer. Hopefully, I can find another place nearby to buy it besides Whole Paycheck.

Neti wetty

2010-05-01T20:26:00.002-04:00

My neti pot came in a box with a picture of smiling woman on it. This happy, fully dressed woman with her head tiltled just so is pouring water from the neti pot into one nostril and sending the water back out of the other nostril in a controlled stream.

Good for her.

When I use the neti pot, I have to be in the shower standing over the drain. I have to be far away from any clothing I might actually want to leave the house in. And I have to block out at least 20 minutes of my life to being prepared to deal with any surprise drainage that might occur after I bend over to pick up some socks or something.

I guess that image wouldn't make for a very compelling package photo, but at least it would be truth in advertising.

The Old Song of Actuality

2010-04-18T11:44:00.002-04:00

"Just a Memory"

A New Aspirational Song

2010-04-18T11:39:00.002-04:00

"Better Things to Do"

Why Am I Doing This Again?

2010-04-18T10:45:00.003-04:00

"Give me a sense of purpose
A real sense of purpose now"

I often feel like I've got nothing to lose, but the sense of nothing to lose was never very empowering to me. I would prefer to have a purpose, something that I can look to when my will is flagging. This is why I am saving my money. This is why I am risking the pain of rejection. This is why I am not eating just because I am bored. This is why I am bothering to iron my pants.

When a sense of duty to loved ones doesn't seem to apply to my life, I'm just not sure where to look for purpose. Other kinds of purposes seem arbitrary. This doesn't bother some people. About twenty years ago when I was temping in some crappy light industrial factory, I met a guy who poured himself into creating motorized skateboards. I don't know if he would call that his purpose, but it was a passion. Passions are fleeting, at least mine are. I wonder if this guy is still making motorized things or doing anything related to skateboards.

One thing that might make it harder for me to find a purpose is my tendency to pick things apart. If I chose a purpose, it should be able to withstand examination. Yet, at some point, something like a purpose will always be vulnerable to doubts. Prophets have abandoned their jobs and families, things that most people hold unquestionably dear.

So my purpose doesn't have to be perfect and it doesn't have to be eternal. But I want something to keep me going besides seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

Oil Change

2010-04-11T11:30:00.003-04:00

I've been using olive oil as a daily hair conditioner for a while. It's relatively inexpensive, my hair absorbs it quickly, it doesn't seem to clog up my pores, and it leaves my hair soft the whole day. There's only one significant problem. Olive oil smells like olive oil. Sometimes it reminds me of that episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show where Rob dreams that his hair has turned into lettuce. I feel like I've got a salad on my head.

Finding a better oil is going to take some experimentation. Jojoba is a bit pricey and the viscosity is too low. Coconut and shea butter are a bit too waxy for daily use. They make my hair feel sticky.

If it's not too expensive, I think I'm going to switch to almond oil for a while. Or maybe a light olive oil won't be as fragrant. If the oil is only going on my head, not inside by body, I probably don't need all the "goodness" of the extra virgin olive oils.

Facebook Jinxers

2010-04-08T16:40:00.003-04:00

I get very nervous when people include things in their facebook updates like very early pregnancy ultrasound pictures, audition call-backs, and the like. I want to be happy for these people, but I also want to say "Shhh! Don't jinx it."

Is half-assed better than none?

2010-04-03T00:27:00.003-04:00

Today I came to a new understanding of how crappy some of my work has been (not from my supervisor, oddly enough), and this doesn't feel great. I am grateful for the frank criticism, but I also feel ashamed for doing work of inconsistent quality. I produced several pieces and while some are decent, others are just crap. And it's no surprise that some of the work wasn't good enough. In some cases, it was rushed and poorly planned. Some mistakes were unavoidable, but many were not.

Anyway, looking back at this set of projects and knowing that they aren't so good as a whole, I try not to regret taking on the projects. After wasting years avoiding new challenges because I knew that I tend to rush things or forget simple but important parts of a task, I don't want to stop taking on exciting projects because I might goof up.

So I made some stuff that was kind of half-assed. I wasn't making airplane parts or anything critical like that, still, it was half-assed and I was aware at the time I was making these things that really, they could be better. And so, I must improve. But I don't regret taking on the task.

Somethings should be done right or not at all. With other things, there's a greater margin of error.

Free Cone Day is Good

2010-03-23T16:41:00.003-04:00

Happiness is not two kinds of ice cream, but Free Cone Day is good. The moment something bad happens, it can overshadow things like free cone day or the relief of hearing that some health care reforms will actually go into effect.

I hope everyone enjoys their free cone today and that the wait in line was not so long.

Frog Control

2010-03-20T13:27:00.003-04:00

If you take the saying "You've got to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince" to heart, beware. Frogs who are not really princes and frogs who are really assholes do not magically disappear after you try kissing them. Some of these creatures will try to kiss again.

I really don't like to tell men off in public but if this man approaches me again I guess I will have to. Hopefully he won't start cursing me out or accuse me of some crime of snobbery. If I'm a snob because I don't want to get involved with an older man who appears to be high most of the time and doesn't have a working phone, then so be it.

This man lives very close to me, so I see him in the neighborhood. Today, he saw me in the park and came up to me and tried to land a kiss on my lips. I turned my head away, but he still got my cheek. He was with one of his feckless looking friends. "I've been drinking," he said sheepishly. "Yeah, you've been drinking," I said and walked away. I washed my face as soon as I got home.

It's so fucking stupid I can't believe it. I go out with this guy for one beer (which I paid for) in the spirit of openness. Now I have to deal with this son of a bitch. It's making me very hateful.

Women who won't go out with guys who can't pay for a meal aren't necessarily gold-diggers. That meal is like a security deposit. It shows that the guy is considerate and capable. If a grown man can't pay for your entree or even your coffee, then he's probably got serious problems. Even a decent man who has been laid off should demonstrate some kind of consideration if he wants to start a relationship or just get some.

"Only Boring People Get Bored."

2010-03-13T20:47:00.003-05:00

I am trying very hard not to be bored right now. I just realized that the things I am doing to avoid boredom are actually pretty boring, knitting and laundry. As much as I love knitting, it will never be on a list of most exciting activities. And the project I am working on now is a no-brainer. And doing laundry always feels like a punishment. I watched 2 episodes of 30 Rock. I am on facebook, overcommenting and reading dispatches from people's vacations. And now I'm writing this brilliant thing.

Why is boredom so awful? It is oppressive. It feels like it's smothering my brain. When I am bored, I will eat. I will eat the most delicious thing I can get my hands on with very little effort . Usually, I will eat cereal or toast, which is ironic because these are some of the least exciting foods I know.

So I am guilty of being bored and boring. And I think I will go out in the wind and damp and get some decent food because being uncomfortable is sometimes better than being bored.

Skies Are Drippy

2010-03-13T16:06:00.002-05:00

On cold, rainy days I regret having wasted my time indoors on a clear or even overcast day.

Why the Hell Would I Try Again?

2010-03-09T16:41:00.003-05:00

The online store is Nordstrom. The category in question is "suits & separates."

"We're sorry. We do not have any items in this category available in size Tall XL (16-18). Please select a different size and color from the dropdown and try again."

Maybe they want me to lose weight and try again. But no. They don't have any Tall L or Tall M, so I guess they want me to try when I get shorter.

Maybe they hope I'll come down with a quick case of osteoporosis.

Please Yell at Me, But Don't Yell at Me

2010-03-02T22:27:00.002-05:00

After I recovered from the mini-meltdown and actually got some work done, I thought wouldn't it be great to have someone yell at me when I started to goof off, space out, or engage in some useless pursuit at the expense of what really needs doing?

I remember a physical therapist who would always make me do all of my excercises even when I thought I had reached exhaustion. She didn't shout at me like a drill sargeant, but if I started flagging, she would say, come on, finish up and don't get sloppy. It worked. I did more that I thought I could do because she rode my ass.

Unfortunately, it isn't possible for me to ride my own ass. Just as I cannot tickle myself, I cannot easily say, "Hey, back to work!," at least not with any reliability. I am pretty good at making myself feel crappy when I don't accomplish things, but that's pretty useless.

If I could pay someone like a physical therapist to yell at me, that would be fine, but I can't ask a friend to do it. I recently tried to get a friend to tell me that I had too much junk in my bedroom. I asked her point blank, "Do you think this is a problem?" I believed that if she said yes, that would motivate me to get rid of some of the stuff. Wisely, she didn't take the bait. Being the nag is a thankless job, even when people ask you to do it. Nags deserve material compensation.

My Brain is Wrong

2010-03-02T17:02:00.003-05:00

"But I don't feel like it." Why is that so important to me?

My brain went on strike today and I got nothing done. I feel like a zombie.

I seriously think that parts of my brain aren't plugged in, such as the part that gives me a sense of accomplishment. Finishing projects has little intrinsic value to me.

It can't really be that I have no control over this.

I know many responsible people. I wonder if I really am that different from them inside. I feel like I'm just treading in a sea of chaos, well more like a pond of chaos. Things don't matter. I really need to just do things for their own sake, even if there's no pleasure or meaning involved. I need to just plow through.

It will be better when I'm done with these overdue projects. Doing them won't be so awful. Why do these things seem so awful to me?

I feel like there's this constant static in my head and I can't ignore it unless I'm doing something interesting.

I need to rethink how I operate, but first I have to plow through these projects. I am perfectly capable of completing these projects. My work will be satisfactory as usual.

Different People

2010-02-27T09:30:00.003-05:00

Last night I hung out with a different group of people. It was interesting. None of these people were librarians. Only one worked at a university. Most of them were much younger than me. Many of them had high tech jobs at the same huge corporation. It's been over ten years since I worked in the for-profit world. Even when I worked in the business world, I tended to work for ad agencies, media production companies, and law firms. Often, the closest I would come to a technological professional was when I would call a help desk and hear some ass say, "Uh, is it plugged in? Try turning it off and on again." That changed during the years I worked in a large research library, but now I work in publishing with a lot of "book people."

I don't miss corporate culture, but I wish I knew more people who have a deep understanding of science and technology. I wish I knew more kinds of people, still, I don't want to bother spending any more time with people who are just plain pricks. I think it's natural that over the years I have narrowed down the kind of people I spend time with, but this has had it's drawbacks.

On a political and community level, it makes if more difficult to understand people who don't seem to share my views. These people seem stranger and stranger to me, and my mental images of them become based on things I see in the media--the most outrageous and stupid examples--and not so much on more sensible people. (This is not mainly the result of some media bias. Often this is because there are outrageous and stupid comments on the internet which haven't been filtered.)

On a personal and social level, it's hard to know exactly what I might have missed out on by mostly spending time with people who's interests are similar to mine.

Meeting people through online dating sites can mean only meeting people who like the same foods, entertainments, and politics. You cut to the chase by searching for people, because honestly, if you hate tuna salad sandwiches, you don't want to waste time with someone who only eats tuna salad sandwiches. But you lose the benefits of browsing. Meeting people through activities gives you the benefits of browsing. These people share one common interest with you, but on many other fronts they could be completely different.

Here's an example. Months ago, I went on a hike with a meet up group. And in the group there was this guy who said that he was also in an anti-Obama meet up group. Being in a social situation with someone like this was very unusual for me. I'll admit that it made me less comfortable. This person didn't talk to me during the hike. He didn't talk to anyone but one of the other ostensibly straight white men on the hike. Most people like this guy won't strike up conversations with me, casual or otherwise, and that's fine by me. Frankly, I don't enjoy spending time with conservative white people, let along right wing people. I know what they are like. I grew up among them. I went to college with them. I have done my time with them. I don't want to socialize with them, but I want to be uncomfortable with them automatically. I'm trying to think of other groups of people who make me uncomfortable. People who act like thugs and revel in their lack of personal or social responsibility bother me in a different way. I want to be able to completely enjoy my hike, so to speak, whether these people are in the group or not.

On the Information Super Highway to the 21st Century

2010-02-21T18:20:00.003-05:00

In spite of my job title and pretty much everything that has happened in communication technology over the last 15 years, I didn't have home internet access until last week.

Now that I have mobile internet access for my little netbook, I can waste time at home as well as at the office like never before. Now, looking up addresses, checking transit schedules, searching for recipes, and other information gathering tasks can all be done at the last minute, or so it seems.

I sincerely hope that having home internet will reduce my temptation indulge in non-work related facebook status checks at the office. I'd like to believe that there are only so many facebook updates I'll care to see in one day.

I miss you, blog

2010-02-12T13:23:00.002-05:00

This blog is (or was) so much better than facebook. I used to feel much freer to speak online. I used to write longer pieces. Now I am in the habit of writing these bad haiku updates for facebook, making sure to leave out anything that is outside the bounds of what I consider an appropriate public image. Would it be better to create a facebook pseudonym? I don't think so. I think there's something about facebook that constrains even those with pseudonyms.

This blog may be ugly, but it's my ugly.

Cookies!

2010-01-26T11:35:00.002-05:00

I don't want this to turn into some kind of food confessions blog, but I have to say that it was really easy for me to demolish a box of girl scout cookies. One reason for this is that I have practically given up on weekly grocery shopping, and so I just have random foods in my house. I really do just eat the best tasting, closest thing when I could take more control of the situation by putting healthier foods in closer proximity to my face or getting off my butt and finding something better to eat.

Monies!

2010-01-22T16:52:00.004-05:00

I have a freelance writing assignment. It's been a while since I pursued this kind of thing. I'm nervous, but I think it will go well. And it's so nice to have a little something to celebrate in the middle of so much horrible news.

Bigger Than Ever

2010-01-20T17:19:00.005-05:00

I went to the doctor this afternoon to follow up on my sciatica and when the assistant weighed me, it confirmed what my muffin top has been whispering to me for me. I am at my largest.

So I must take action. I don't want type 2 diabetes. I don't want extra, uncomfortable folds of flesh. I don't want to buy a bunch of new larger clothes. I guess I can track my progress here once I come up with a reasonable plan. I also need to start my physical therapy for my back pain.

P.S. Yes, I was deeply upset by the latest national and international news. How bad do things have to get? On a personal level, I don't want my health to get any worse than it is. I don't want to be forced to take drastic measures.

I'm Back

2010-01-14T13:48:00.002-05:00

Dang! I had no idea how long it had been since I posted to this blog. I want to continue blogging, but my audience seems to have moved over to facebook.

Who's Sorry Now?

2009-11-30T15:24:00.003-05:00

If a member of my group does something wrong, I hate to apologize for it. While I might sympathize with anyone who was affected by the wrong-doing, I don't feel any responsibility. I can say, "I'm sorry." But it will have a hollow ring because I am only sorry that something bad happened. All I can do when someone I know messes up is to say "Hey, stop it." After that, I was my hands of the matter.

Sometimes in work situations, I have to swallow my pride and apologize for the team. Personal situations are different. I refuse to take the blame.

Jeopardy

2009-11-11T21:21:00.001-05:00

Facebook.

What is not a social life.

Wasting Time Wrong

2009-11-06T15:42:00.001-05:00

I am not wasting time properly.

Fear As a Motivator

2009-11-04T14:29:00.001-05:00

Fear doesn't move me to do things so much as it moves me to not do things.

Don't Feel Like Doing Nothin'

2009-11-02T13:53:00.003-05:00

I have to say that I just don't feel like doing anything except maybe looking at yarn or watching The Mighty Boosh. If only I could combine the two activities into a lucrative job.

Also, I'm afraid I have bad taste in curry. I'm satisfied with the paste that comes in a can. You just have to use more of it.

Balls and Other Curious Knits

2009-10-27T14:40:00.003-04:00

I was looking for a free pattern for knitted balls and fortunately oh balls was on the top of my search results. My search also pulled up this object. Hmm.

Are batteries included?

Bad Sicky, Bad!

2009-10-16T12:38:00.004-04:00

I think I have a touch of gastroenteritis, but I'm still at work. I just have too much stuff to do to stay in bed, and not only for my job. I have errands to run. So I'm just spreading my stomach flu around. I wish I could wear some kind of space suit to protect fellow citizens from this bug while I take care of business.

I didn't know I was coming down with something until after I visited the nursing home last night. When I volunteer there, I wash or sanitize my hands before and after I meet with each person, so hopefully I didn't spread my germs in there.

Netflix Pathetix

2009-10-11T16:10:00.001-04:00

I just noticed that I have had one of my Netflix discs since late July and I still haven't watched it yet.

Dreads?

2009-10-06T16:31:00.003-04:00

Wanted:
New hair style that does not
-require me to spend more than 5 hours a month sitting in a beauty shop (Yep, that's what I call them.)
-cost more than 50 dollars per month to maintain
-put me at risk of chemical burns
-put me at risk of burn burns
-involve purchasing more hair

Options:
Baldness
Keep current non-style
Dreads

I really don't have a good reason not to try dreads. For a long time, I was afraid of dreads because once I had them, I probably couldn't undo them. However, even if I grew lengthy dreads and became tired of the style, I would be no worse off than I am now. Apparently, dreads are just as washable as any other hair style. I don't want any hairstyle that makes me hesitate to wash my hair.

Getting the dreads off to the right start will probably require professional help, but once they are in, I think I could handle the maintenance at home.

Children as Avatars for Adults

2009-10-01T11:35:00.003-04:00

I must say I think it's odd when people use photos of their kids instead of photos of themselves as profile pictures on Facebook and such. Somehow the use of pet photos doesn't bother me as much, perhaps because it's obvious that Jane Smith is not a poodle.

Too Cheap (Broke) to Be Social

2009-09-25T16:48:00.002-04:00

I might have to put my plans to mix and mingle on hold until pay day. Even the low-end meetup.com activities aren't free.

I'm starting to think about these things in terms of cost effectiveness. I don't use paid online dating services, and now I'd better be even more particular about how I spend my relationship dollars. Yes, I said it. Relationship dollars.

From a pure relationship perspective, I've seen little return on investment from my museum membership. I have yet to meet anyone new at the museum. Perhaps if I had some dates at the museum, that membership would begin to pay off.

The movie meetup.com group doesn't seem very cost-effective either. Yes, I love movies and talking about movies, but movie-going doesn't lend itself to meeting people. 2 hours and almost $10 later (if I can resist the popcorn), will I have gotten to know anyone? Maybe I should stick to going to bargain matinees by myself or with friends.

Then there's drinks. I should only buy soft drinks at social events from now on.

It's 4:22 p.m.: Who Am I Kidding?

2009-09-24T16:21:00.003-04:00

Let's face it. Between 4:00 p.m. and about 4:45 p.m., I am pretty much useless, unless you count finding funny stuff to post on people's facebook walls. And look out, co-workers, because this is the time when I'm likely to stick my mug into your cubicle and ask you a stupid question about vegetables or colors, or share one of my observations about the show I watched last night on the New Jersey Network.

I should go for a walk or something at this time.

My Brain has at Silver Lining or Two

2009-09-16T16:11:00.004-04:00

I just read and interesting blog post called Evolutionary (and writerly) advantages of depression? It certainly rang true for me, even though I'm not especially depressed right now.

Also, here's a quote from ADDitude magazine.

"Hyperfocus can help you show your love. When her son needed a new blanket for his bed, a mom gathered the yarn and needles, found a comfy chair, and finished a colorful afghan in two days."

Jagged and Fuzzy

2009-09-13T13:49:00.003-04:00

Sometimes the people I visit at the nursing home illustrate that the line between religious faith and mental illness is jagged and fuzzy.

Freedom's Not Just Another Word

2009-09-08T21:45:00.002-04:00

After many months of feeling rootless because I live outside of a family unit, I am actually enjoying my freedom. I am enjoying my freedom in a way I don't think I did before I experienced a serious romantic relationship.

I was fortunate enough to be able to take a few days of paid vacation recently, and at no time during this break did I ever have to think about what anyone else wanted to do. This is nothing new, but I usually don't appreciate it. It either seems normal or like some kind of lacking.

Actually, the fact that I didn't have any reason to consider anyone else's needs or desires didn't stop me from doing just that. (Sometimes I think that there's a disconnect between the amount of time I spend thinking about others and the image I might project.) The spectre of other people still remained. I couldn't help wondering what other people I know might have thought or felt about this sight or that activity. At the movies: Ha! I hope those guys see this movie because this scene would kill them. In the store: I bet Gretchen would like a pillow in this fabric. In the park: Wouldn't Junior love those horses? I'd have to make sure he didn't stand too close behind them.

As I went for a hike over a rocky trail, I kept picturing my mom stumbling behind me. I had to remind myself that it doesn't matter whether mom or anyone else but me would be comfortable on this particular trail at this time because I am the only one here now. I can handle this trail just fine.