Foundation

I am proud to say that in my six years of being an aunt I have never purchased any underwear for Thing 1 or Thing 2.

Last weekend, I accompanied my aunt on a little retail therapy trip. She's been through hell recently, and I guess mall sensations ease the pain. She wanted to buy things for me. I can't complain about having relatives who like to buy me things, but I haven't been comfortable with it since I hit junior high. Being in my mid thirties doesn't make it easier. I just don't have the ritual down. How many times should I refuse the generosity before I accept the treat? One aunt snatched a restaurant bill out of my hand faster than Grasshopper could snatch the pebble. They can be relentless. And then, there's the awkwardness of having a family member select or even recommend clothing.

This time, Aunt Liz was jonesing to buy me some new "foundation." Apparently, my foundation wasn't doing all that it should. It needed some restructuring. There's nothing like visiting the big lingerie store with an elder relative. "No thongs or garter belts for me today, thanks. Just point me to the foundation, the serious foundation, please." While I was trying on an assortment of structured bras, I overheard the one of the sales ladies say, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're not allowed to go in the fitting room with your friend." At least my aunt was content to wait outside for me.

On a related note, while we were in the drugstore looking for some lotion, my aunt asked about the new warming K-Y jelly.
"Uh, I guess it's supposed to be better because it's warm."
"But what does it do?"
What is worse, answering sexual questions from a family child, or a family adult?
"It's lubrication."
"Oh!"

Thank God she understood. Imagine if this had taken a "Something About Mary" turn. A cheerful senior citizen purchases what appears to be a tube of lotion. Her wimpy neice doesn't have to guts to explain the mistake. That senior puts the tube in her purse, and then takes it out at a family gathering to moisturize her hands, announcing with glee "It's the new lotion I bought with Ashy! It feels great!" Tee hee.

Those of you who've known me for a while might recall another Knees family K-Y story.