Dainty Ain't as Dainty Don't

(a little more choir preaching, if you don't mind.)

"Dainty is as Dainty Does," said our sixth grade hygiene pamphlet for girls. Sure, my friends and I giggled at the outdated illustrations, but XX years later, I wish I had a few quaint pamphlets to leave around these parts.

The first place I'd leave pamphlets is the women's room near my office. We have a lot of hoverers in the student body. Their delicate derrieres are far to sweet to touch a public toilet. So what to these dear flowers do instead? Piss all over the seats and floor. How delicate and sweet is that? People who fear sitting on other people's leavings have no right to spray their bodily fluids on public seats.

As any hygiene pamphlet will tell, you can't catch a disease from a toilet seat. The seat covers provide plenty of cleanliness and psychological protection. I hate to think that after the 70's, parents stopped teaching kids how make seat protectors out of toilet paper and told them to selfishly hover instead.

On a related note, the site of this new brand on the Douglas shelf stopped me dead. Yes, said the saleswoman, we sell grooming products for every other part, why neglect this one? My pamphlets warned me never to use feminine deodorants, but is this something new? The prices certainly were. You could take a bath in FDS for the price of SweetSpots. Of all the products in the line, balancing mist perplexes me most. Unless you're a unicyclist, I don't see the purpose of spraying balancing products between your legs.

I admit I actually want to try these products, just like I could hardly wait to try the hygiene products from the sampler I got from the Personal Products company who made "Growing Up and Liking It," my forth grade sex ed booklet with the talking flowers. They embody all the girlie specialness that lured me into Douglas in the first place.