Mean Girl

Once again, someone finds me abrasive, negative and condescending. Most stinging of all --since I'm condescending and should be infuriatingly polite-- is that my behavior was called rude. I fear that I'm doing all these cruel things mindlessly. I hear Nina singing.

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good.
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

Really, I really do want to be nice. I am working very hard to filter my comments and facial expressions, but sometimes I just get tired. Sometimes something inside me senses that I'm being attacked, then suddenly I'm the mean girl.

Once I'm the mean girl, I'm damned. I can't take back words, forget about glances. I've tried. Maybe one reason few people apologize in today's culture is that so few people accept and forgive.

Update: the offended party has accepted my apologies.

I value compassion above all else, but I have other values as well -- brevity, quality, honest and self-respect among them. People are at ease when I say yes to everything, but when I say yes to myself I get in trouble. Psychologists and therapists rightly tell us that we are the only ones responsible for our feelings. Why then are we hurting each other so much.

So I have low social intelligence and an inappropriate range of affect. Before I lock myself in my room to stew in bitterness forever, I must find solutions. After all, I love people, damn it!

At least the white witch said I was sweet when I helped her use the stapler today.