Ugly Snapshots

If you just read my last two blog entries, maybe you'd think my life sucks, and you'd be right. But you would also be wrong. It's true that I do many pleasurable things and have all kinds of deep, beautiful thoughts. But I write about that stuff elsewhere.

Right now, I feel very shitty. And I want to tell someone about it.

My job continues to be some kind of soft hell. I feel absolutely no motivation to do any of my work. None, except some faint mist rising from my distant dissolving work ethic and a vague fear of termination.

I will, out of consideration for my department colleagues, do stuff. Eventually. Perhaps soon. But that is the only good reason I can think of to do my work.

Here's the thing. I like praise. Yes. I'm one of those. And my boss rarely praises me. Nor does she scold me. Other people in other departments have given me more direct positive feedback than my boss has.

I think I'm beginning to understand what's driving things. The people who complain the most are the most powerful in this organization. This is quite stupid. One of these people dislikes me. The other pays very little attention to me. The people who complain the least are the ones who give me compliments, but these people don't seem to have as much power because no one is afraid of them. Another weird thing is that none of these people are in my department.

Weird shit is happening. The soft hell is getting prickly.