Sentence Interuptus and the Challenge of Listening

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."-- George Carlin

I begin this post with this quote because while many people like to think of conversation interruptions as a men vs. women problem, I don't think it's that simple. Gender is a factor, but so are individual tendencies.

It is my natural tendency to want to finish other people's sentences for them, especially if I am truly excited by what they are saying. Strange as it sounds, I used to believe that by completing other people's sentences, I was saying "Wow! Yes! I'm right there with you on that!" Of course, what the people I was interrupting heard instead was "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you Slow Talkers of America snail. Get on with it." or "I'm so smart I already know what you're about to say, so give me a biscuit." While most of my interruptions were caused by excitement, many were also caused by the feeling that a slow talker would surely drive me mad with her plodding and deliberate speech.

Through much effort and mindfulness, I have greatly reduced the number of times that I complete other people's sentences for them and I believe that has really smoothed most of my relationships and conversations. Unfortunately, I am beginning to suspect that my new ability to hold my tongue (She's holding her tongue? Yes, I am.) isn't helping my conversations with my boyfriend. Perhaps as some kind of karmic retribution, I find myself attached to a real talker. I think I'd feel a lot more comfortable talking with him if I revert to my obnoxious ways. At least I'd get a word in.

So the wise and perfect woman adjusts her conversation style to her audience. She is attentive and demure at tea, but assertive and boisterous at the local bar. It's a noble ideal to strive for. It's also a pain in the ass. Oh well.

What does it mean to really listen to someone? It cannot be simply passively absorbing their words, allowing their ideas to fill some empty space in my mind. Maybe it's not nice or whatever, but when I listen to people, I am trying to figure out how what they are saying relates to stuff I already know or don't know. I'm asking is this news? is it true? do I care? Sometimes I look away from the speaker because it helps me listen better. I don't know how this comes off. I've been told that it looks as though I'm not listening or that I've got something to hide. I can't pull off that that Nancy Reagan you-are-the-most-fascinating-and-important-creature-in-the-universe face.

Few things burn me more deeply than the sense that people I am talking to aren't so much listening to me as merely waiting for me to finish talking so that they can say what they wanted to say 45 seconds ago. I can see this behind their eyes. I would rather that they look away from me or space out when I'm talking instead of staring blankly at me, biding their time. I would rather be interrupted than patronized.

It seems ridiculous to say it, but when I'm speaking, I want to be understood. I believe that is what everyone wants. The challenge is that understanding has so many meanings and that everyone has a different way of demonstrating that they understand.