Why Am I Doing This Again?

"Give me a sense of purpose
A real sense of purpose now"

I often feel like I've got nothing to lose, but the sense of nothing to lose was never very empowering to me. I would prefer to have a purpose, something that I can look to when my will is flagging. This is why I am saving my money. This is why I am risking the pain of rejection. This is why I am not eating just because I am bored. This is why I am bothering to iron my pants.

When a sense of duty to loved ones doesn't seem to apply to my life, I'm just not sure where to look for purpose. Other kinds of purposes seem arbitrary. This doesn't bother some people. About twenty years ago when I was temping in some crappy light industrial factory, I met a guy who poured himself into creating motorized skateboards. I don't know if he would call that his purpose, but it was a passion. Passions are fleeting, at least mine are. I wonder if this guy is still making motorized things or doing anything related to skateboards.

One thing that might make it harder for me to find a purpose is my tendency to pick things apart. If I chose a purpose, it should be able to withstand examination. Yet, at some point, something like a purpose will always be vulnerable to doubts. Prophets have abandoned their jobs and families, things that most people hold unquestionably dear.

So my purpose doesn't have to be perfect and it doesn't have to be eternal. But I want something to keep me going besides seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.