Pre-Holiday Season Hairball

Now I will disgorge my pre-holiday season woes in front of all five of my readers.

If only I could erase certain values from my mind, I could relax and let the fall and winter holidays come and go, participating in them as I saw fit without stress. These beliefs are the source of many problems. Here are some of my troubling beliefs:

• Wouldn't it be great to bring a smile to a child's face on Halloween?
• There's nothing like seeing kids having fun on a holiday.
• I should be with loved ones on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
• I want to be with people who actually want to be with me, not people who grudgingly invited me to their homes out of pity. Therefore, I will not fish around for holiday invitations.
• Giving thoughtful gifts and sharing with loved ones is one of life's great pleasures.
• I love when people say, "Thank you."
• I do not like the looks I get from acquaintances and co-workers when I respond to their chit-chatty questions about my holiday plans.

Yes, the answer is to ignore or explode these dysfunctional beliefs and replace them with new, healthy beliefs such as these:

• Children carry diseases and are best avoided at all costs.
• All holidays are just commercial hype.
• Why the hell are my co-workers bothering me with their shallow small talk? As if they really care about me. It's nobody's business what I'm doing for the stupid holidays.
• If I have to wheedle my way into a party just to conform to the holiday bullshit, so be it. I hope there's lots of booze.
• You're born alone and you die alone. Why should what happens in between be any different?

What Kind of Meat Am I?

I was just thinking that if someone wanted to cook me up and eat me, I'd be pretty meaty and flavorful, but kind of tough.