Shame is Useless

When I think about how far I must go to be the kind of person I want to be, my mind floods with shame and regret--feelings that paralyze me. Shame is useless. Shame has yet to cure me of my bad habits, so why does it persist? At times like this, it's better to focus on the changes that I've made. It's better to set aside shame and fears of judgement and focus on what I can do.

What are my true standards? What are my true values? I think it's better to live within my means than worry about how a woman my age should live according to someone else's standards.

Happy Unbirthday to Me

Because of my birthday issues and my dream of maintaining some shred of privacy, I do not post my birthday on the facebook (Yeah, they still have the information. Whatever.). In the past, this never stopped friends from saying happy birthday to me on my facebook wall. But this year, no one said anything. I avoided the awkward feelings that this kind of well-wishing can stir in me. The downside is that only a couple of people wished me a happy birthday.

I've been around the block a few times, so I don't expect to get the keys to the city or something just because I managed to survive another year. Still, even though I don't need a pony ride or even a cake, I kind of miss the birthday celebrations of the past. It's nice when someone throws a party in your honor. I may like privacy, but I'm not shy. These things are not mutually exclusive.

The good news is that some very dear friends did acknowledge my birthday with gifts and greetings this year. Even my sibling managed to send me a text. My parents, on the other hand, seemed almost indifferent. It was a bit odd. It was a bit troubling.

As we get older, we don't necessarily want to throw away all of the childhood things, just the childish things. Birthday celebrations are still fun. We can have cake whenever we like, so long as we can afford it, but it tastes a little sweeter with a candle stuck in it. It's a little more luscious when someone else prepares it for you to mark your continuing existence.

A few years ago, I threw a birthday party for myself. I'm glad I did. I may do it again someday. But my ideal is still to have someone else do it for me, or at least make the offer.