The Old Song of Actuality

"Just a Memory"

A New Aspirational Song

"Better Things to Do"

Why Am I Doing This Again?

"Give me a sense of purpose
A real sense of purpose now"

I often feel like I've got nothing to lose, but the sense of nothing to lose was never very empowering to me. I would prefer to have a purpose, something that I can look to when my will is flagging. This is why I am saving my money. This is why I am risking the pain of rejection. This is why I am not eating just because I am bored. This is why I am bothering to iron my pants.

When a sense of duty to loved ones doesn't seem to apply to my life, I'm just not sure where to look for purpose. Other kinds of purposes seem arbitrary. This doesn't bother some people. About twenty years ago when I was temping in some crappy light industrial factory, I met a guy who poured himself into creating motorized skateboards. I don't know if he would call that his purpose, but it was a passion. Passions are fleeting, at least mine are. I wonder if this guy is still making motorized things or doing anything related to skateboards.

One thing that might make it harder for me to find a purpose is my tendency to pick things apart. If I chose a purpose, it should be able to withstand examination. Yet, at some point, something like a purpose will always be vulnerable to doubts. Prophets have abandoned their jobs and families, things that most people hold unquestionably dear.

So my purpose doesn't have to be perfect and it doesn't have to be eternal. But I want something to keep me going besides seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

Oil Change

I've been using olive oil as a daily hair conditioner for a while. It's relatively inexpensive, my hair absorbs it quickly, it doesn't seem to clog up my pores, and it leaves my hair soft the whole day. There's only one significant problem. Olive oil smells like olive oil. Sometimes it reminds me of that episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show where Rob dreams that his hair has turned into lettuce. I feel like I've got a salad on my head.

Finding a better oil is going to take some experimentation. Jojoba is a bit pricey and the viscosity is too low. Coconut and shea butter are a bit too waxy for daily use. They make my hair feel sticky.

If it's not too expensive, I think I'm going to switch to almond oil for a while. Or maybe a light olive oil won't be as fragrant. If the oil is only going on my head, not inside by body, I probably don't need all the "goodness" of the extra virgin olive oils.

Facebook Jinxers

I get very nervous when people include things in their facebook updates like very early pregnancy ultrasound pictures, audition call-backs, and the like. I want to be happy for these people, but I also want to say "Shhh! Don't jinx it."

Is half-assed better than none?

Today I came to a new understanding of how crappy some of my work has been (not from my supervisor, oddly enough), and this doesn't feel great. I am grateful for the frank criticism, but I also feel ashamed for doing work of inconsistent quality. I produced several pieces and while some are decent, others are just crap. And it's no surprise that some of the work wasn't good enough. In some cases, it was rushed and poorly planned. Some mistakes were unavoidable, but many were not.

Anyway, looking back at this set of projects and knowing that they aren't so good as a whole, I try not to regret taking on the projects. After wasting years avoiding new challenges because I knew that I tend to rush things or forget simple but important parts of a task, I don't want to stop taking on exciting projects because I might goof up.

So I made some stuff that was kind of half-assed. I wasn't making airplane parts or anything critical like that, still, it was half-assed and I was aware at the time I was making these things that really, they could be better. And so, I must improve. But I don't regret taking on the task.

Somethings should be done right or not at all. With other things, there's a greater margin of error.