Post of An Ambivalent Black Woman

Diary of A Mad Black Woman is number one at the box office, and I am both delighted and disturbed. I actually worked with it's star a billion years ago back on the prairie. Since she was genuinely friendly back then, I'm always pleased by her successes. Plus, she has the kind of beauty that often goes unappreciated, or that is just plain feared by many folks. Under most circumstances, the success of a film with the words mad, black, and woman in the title would be a sign of progress. Who cares if the film is stupid? I do. The this is the one film with a title that I can relate to, and I can't relate.

1, 2, 3. The Devil's After Me
The film that I can relate to most in the history of cinema is Crooklyn. Considering where I grew up, you can see I have to make quite a stretch. Like the little girl in Crooklyn, I find my relative's spirtual practices a little alienating. What others find reassuringly simple, I find binding and complex. When I was a kid visiting my grandparents' farm and first heard my cousin praying "If I die before I wake..." that scared the shit out of me. Unlike the girl in Crooklyn, I did not eventually take small comfort in prayers and songs. My soul has not just opened up, and I wouldn't even begin to know how to be loosed if they drew me a diagram.

Favors

I want those who know me to feel free to ask me for as many favors as they can dream up. I know you're an independent lot. I might not always say yes. I'm not sure what I can do for you. Let's find out.

This is not a sudden burst of altruism, nor is a purely self-serving exchange. Frankly, I'm going to be asking for more stuff in the near future --mostly information-- and I want everyone to know that I'm here to reciprocate, if not for you, then for some other person in the karmic chain.

Erotica In Excelsis Deo

Quiqui's recent post leads me to say that if someone isn't already making porn for the faithful, then they ought to, because there's gold in them hills.

If Christian rock sells, surely holy porn has an audience. The devout are probably enjoying regular porn just as much as anyone else (perhaps more), but imagine if they could walk into Blockbuster and proudly pick up a copy of Behind the Song of Soloman, It Was Worth Waiting for the Wedding Night, Holy Horny Holy or some such?

This erotic anthology I read contained a short story written by a devout Muslim woman. It confused the heck out of me, but the editors thought it hot enough to include.

My people have no problem mixing their faith with their sexuality. Sometimes it's hypocritical, sometimes it's beautiful. Often it's Prince.

The black republican lady I've talked to a couple of times --a woman who complains about feminism and homosexuality-- loves video porn. "Erotica," she calls it, and she'd smack you down if you told her she shouldn't watch it.

Everything Old is Old Again, Almost

REMEDIAL DOC CLASS SCREENINGS
My documentary video production prof is craming film history homework into a tight syllabus of actual video making assignments. Every week it's down to the reserve room to watch Flaherty, Vertov, Bunuel, Pennebaker, the Maysleses, Trinh T. Minh-ha ... What's her last name, Trinh or Minh-ha?

Unfortunately, I've already seen most of the films on the syllabus. The prof and the kids have discussions I already had 15 years ago. Is it this film the Truth? Is this Propaganda? Whatever. So Nanook of the North is a false ethnography, at least it has cute puppies in it. Triumph of the Will might offend me if it weren't so relentlessly boring. How many freaking flags do we have to look at, Leni? Perhaps the axis powers would have lasted a little longer if they spent more money on arms and less on banners.

But this week I watched Tongues Untied again and I really enjoyed it. When I first saw Marlon Rigg's work in my college's modern cinema class, the Euro TA was appalled that our professor stooped so low as to screen anything shot of video. Sadly, the only thing dated in this this poetic video about black men loving black men are the segments on voguing and snap queens. Everything else is totally relevant today. Stupid culture wars.

IMDB RACE TALK
And along those lines, what's up with Will Smith? Years ago, he was advised not to kiss men on screen in Six Degrees of Seperation. Now the fine journalists of England have more weirdness to report. Smith was strategically paired with a latina woman in Hitch because, supposedly, international audiences don't want to see him with a black woman, and American audiences don't want to see him with a white woman. I don't want to see Hitch, so I wouldn't care if Nanook plays his love interest, but I suspected that Eva Mendes was chosen for safety reasons. When I saw the trailer, I thought, ooo, the people who are going to be pissed that Smith isn't with a black woman will say "at least she's not white" and relax a bit. Perhaps they'll think "she's just light skinneded with good hair." It's possible that Cuban-American Mendes could be white and latina at the same time. Maybe Smith should star with Cameron Diaz next. But no! Then everyone's heads would just explode!!!

I've just about given up on trying to untangle these unwritten rules and invisible barriers. Will Smith is playing along all the way to the bank and I don't blame him. But Marlon Riggs did not, and we should all be grateful for that.

Many Tiny Square Pegs, One Dumb Round Hole

If you've ever freelanced, temped, or worked many jobs at once, filling out a required online job application for a large institition can give you fits. Sometimes "See attached resume" is not allowed. By being complete and honest, am I inviting some HR robot to file my application under flake?

Mercifully, the form I'm working on now doesn't demand a list of all my previous employers, only the last 3. How do I fit my last PA gig into this form which provides no way for me to say that the organization who cut my check is in Massachusetts, but the production company was in New York? There's no field where I can enter an explaination for a one week job.

Online HR programming cannot understand the twists and turns of my work history. The only thing one corporate HR website could digest from my resume was the word paralegal. The rest was doo doo.

I can pretend the narrow constraints of online forms --these digital distant relatives proding me for evidence of a "real job"-- don't pinch my self-esteem. Bohemouth institutions have hired me back in the days of paper forms. Filling out forms is a formality, but I still worry that they will keep me from landing a good permanent job.

My only crime was trying to make a living doing work that I might love. Let the ass-covering HR robots create a field for that in their forms.

Let Go My Ego

From now on, when I feel the urge to bash myself for making stupid little mistakes, I will list my accomplishments and positive qualities instead.

This will either boost my confidence or make me insufferable, perhaps both.

Ship Preservation is Hot

I watched my friend babysit on Friday night and listed to her stress about her wedding. Oh, ain't I glad I'm single!

On Saturday I went to the local historic ship preservation recruitment meeting. Mayberry RDF was more ethnically diverse. Still this activity could be fun. Scraping paint isn't glamorous, but they have a tradition called "beer o'clock" that has potential,and if you put in enough hours and do the training, it's the cheapest way to learn sailing that I know. The tugboat is adorable. If you like tying knots, scraping paint and general hoisting, check this out. I don't know how much time I can devote to this org. I'm also trying to get involved with this frisbee "organization," but it's been a challenge getting any actionable information out of them.

Sunday I interviewed kid for the latest video class assignment. Why did I sign up for this course? It sucks time like a black hole. No time for proper laundry.

Eeek

Climate change pictures from BBC.

Future Crushes

Here are the contenders, based on the fact that I saw these guys during a recent winter holiday, a time when I am susceptible to celebrity crushes:

• Xzibit: I don't know his music, but I dug his amusing banter and body markings when I saw him on MTV's Pimp My Ride.


• Meatwad: Meaty, but not much range


• Frylock: Wise, but starchy


• People in the Tiger Woods PGA Tour Video Game: They’re golfers, but with customizable looks.

Yes, 3 on the list are cartoons. I'd be crossing a big line. Better to be crushless.

The Pursuit of ... You Know What

I believe I'll be much happier in the long run if I accept my sadness.

Comediaphobia: Or No Mallets, No Malice, Just Fun

At Friday's improv show, the audience members who didn't know any of the performers (and even some who did) sat all the way in the back. And in between their laughter, they kept saying "what'd they say?" and "oh, I missed it." Yes, we could have been louder, but the point is their fear of goodness-knows-what kept them from fully enjoying the show.

Let me assure you, if you come to see our improv group:

We will not make fun of you just for sitting there.
We will not touch you.
We will not smash fruit on you with a giant mallet.

We will entertain you. We actually ask you what you want, then we do it. I guarantee.

My Runny Valentine

I'm letting a smile be my umbrella.

Empty Nest

One of my student workers quit to take an internship and another has drastically cut her hours to devote more time to rugby. I hired a new kid, but she's all serious.

All these youngsters moving on reminds me that it's time to dust off the lemon-y fresh pledge.

P Wiped

To follow up from Dainty Ain't, here's the pricing, ingredients and warnings from www.drugstore.com on this day, ranked from least scariest to scariest:

The Hippie Baby Wipe
Seventh Generation Unscented Baby Wipes with Aloe Vera & Vitamin E (80 for $4.99):
Water, Aloe Vera, Glycerin (vegetable oil derived), Alkyl Polyglycoside (a corn-based surfactant), Citric Acid (for stability), Vitamin E, Sodium Hydroxymethyl Glycinate

Fancy Pants
SweetSpot Labs On-The-Go Wipettes, Unscented (30 for $16.00):
Water (aqua), Propylene Glycol, Polysorbate 20, Phenoxyethanol, Methylparaben, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Extract, Anthemis Nobilis Flower Extract, Cucumbis Satavis Fruit Extract (cucumber), Althea Officinalis Root Extract, Tocopherol Acetate, Disodium EDTA, Citric Acid

"Exotic"
Pleasure Wipes Scented Wipes, Mango (25 for $9.99)
Water, Vitamin E, Aloe Vera, Body-Safe Cleansers (huh?), Fragrance

Warnings:
External use only.


The Picnic Classic: (It says "All over body cleansing" on the package)
Wet Ones Ultra, Portable Washcloths, Vitamin E & Aloe (32 for $3.79):
Water, SD Alcohol 40 (OUCH!), Propylene Glycol, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Extract, Tocopheryl Acetate, Sodium Nonoxynol 9 Phosphate, Sorbic Acid, Oleth 20, PEG 75 Lanolin, Citric Acid, Disodium Phosphate, Fragrance

Warnings:
Keep out of reach of children, except under adult supervision. For external use only. Keep out of eyes. In case of eye contact, rinse with water. If irritation develops, discontinue use. Consult a doctor if it persists for more than 72 hours. If swallowed, get medical attention or contact a Poison Control Center.

The Old-Fashioned
FDS Feminine Deodorant Spray, Natural Aloe:
Isobutane, Isopropyl Myristate, Corn Starch, Magnesium Stearate, Mineral Oil, Aloe Barbadensis, Fragrance, Sodium Bicarbonate, Zinc Ricinoleate, Lanolin Alcohol, Oleyl Alcohol, Benzyl Alcohol, Laureth-3, Matricaria, Tocopherol, Tetrahydroxypropyl Ethylenediamine, Propylene Glycol

Warnings:
Flammable (yes, Flammable!). Do not use product near fire, flame or sparks. Contents under pressure. Do not puncture, incinerate or crush. Do not expose to heat or store at temperatures above 120° F (49° C) as can may burst. do not use if spray button is missing or defective. Keep out of reach of children. Use only as directed. Avoid spraying in eyes. Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal.

Caution: For external use only. Spray at least 8 inches from skin...

Dainty Ain't as Dainty Don't

(a little more choir preaching, if you don't mind.)

"Dainty is as Dainty Does," said our sixth grade hygiene pamphlet for girls. Sure, my friends and I giggled at the outdated illustrations, but XX years later, I wish I had a few quaint pamphlets to leave around these parts.

The first place I'd leave pamphlets is the women's room near my office. We have a lot of hoverers in the student body. Their delicate derrieres are far to sweet to touch a public toilet. So what to these dear flowers do instead? Piss all over the seats and floor. How delicate and sweet is that? People who fear sitting on other people's leavings have no right to spray their bodily fluids on public seats.

As any hygiene pamphlet will tell, you can't catch a disease from a toilet seat. The seat covers provide plenty of cleanliness and psychological protection. I hate to think that after the 70's, parents stopped teaching kids how make seat protectors out of toilet paper and told them to selfishly hover instead.

On a related note, the site of this new brand on the Douglas shelf stopped me dead. Yes, said the saleswoman, we sell grooming products for every other part, why neglect this one? My pamphlets warned me never to use feminine deodorants, but is this something new? The prices certainly were. You could take a bath in FDS for the price of SweetSpots. Of all the products in the line, balancing mist perplexes me most. Unless you're a unicyclist, I don't see the purpose of spraying balancing products between your legs.

I admit I actually want to try these products, just like I could hardly wait to try the hygiene products from the sampler I got from the Personal Products company who made "Growing Up and Liking It," my forth grade sex ed booklet with the talking flowers. They embody all the girlie specialness that lured me into Douglas in the first place.

Machinery Camera Hypothesis

It's true!
Taking pictures is a great conversation starter. Based on a sample of 4 exchanges, I hypothesize that guys are likely to talk to you if you are taking pictures of heavy machinery with a cool camera. Trains work best. At the very least, the train crew will toot at you.

No grown men talked to me when I was drawing pictures of trees. Once when I was writing in Central Park, this weird-Euro guy came up and asked me if I liked "the poetry of Maya Angeloooo." That's no good. It's got to be taking pictures of machines with a cool camera.

Perhaps one day, this scientific discovery will lead to loving.

Sited

Near the Law School
That funny actress with the nose was enjoying hot beverages with what appeared to be her family. As usual during an actor siting, I looked at her too long, then went about my business.

By a Bridge
A rosy runner gave me some helpful hints for my documentary assignment.

Done and Done

I turned in my first 2 paid attempts at journalism a whole 2 days early. I hope they don't suck.

I friend invited me to get one of those new fangled email accounts, and once again the popularity of my name and a little too much enthusiasm stuck me with another stinky free email address. I thought I'd picked a good one this time, but minutes later I realized it was too ambiguous. Damn haste! Damn common first and last name!

If they don't let me change addresses, I'll have to scam another invitation from some generous soul.

Biped Inner Dialog

I found two new ways to kill time, running and Netflix friends.

Netflix friends makes you spend more time looking at netflix to see what your friends liked and try to find something cool to recommend to them that they haven't seen before.

This morning, I thought, enough with the planning and worrying about how to do it right. I can run. I got new shoes. I'm a biped, dang it.

Some website said that I should start by trying to run 20 minutes. I made it to 4.

(minute 2)
Heart: Why are you doing this to me?
Will: It's good for you.
Heart: Bullshit! This sucks.
Will: 8 more minutes then we turn around.
Legs and butt: Ooo! Ashy remembers us.
Heart: You are all insane!

(minute 4)
Brain: This is boring. If we were at home, I could snooze and listen to NPR. Now all I get to do is avoid ice and poo.
Heart: Is this pain normal?
Will: You call that pain?
Brain: That's just discomfort...maybe.
Heart: Discomfort my ass!
Butt: Whoo hoo. Not in desk chair!
Heart: Walk!
Everyone: Okay.
Will: I suck.
Brain: No, it's just the first day. At least we're walking. Maybe walking is better, but it takes up more time.
Heart: I hate you all!

(entering the shower)
Heart: Do we have to do that again?
Will: We should.
Brain: I told you we don't like that stuff. We didn't like it in high school. We only did it for the team, remember? Are we doing this for the right reasons, or are we conforming? Is it all vanity, or...
Heart: I feel really mellow right now.
Limbs: Nice!
Brain: Oh, yeah. This is the good part.I have to remember this next time you start complaining, Heart.
Will: Yeah, Heart.
Heart: Don't mess with the mellow.