Ashyknees' Time Killer

The author is willing, but her punctuation is weak.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Papilla Alternatives

Sage inspired me to come up with alternatives to one of my least favorite words, nipple. It's a shame that such a fine part has such an ugly name.
Papilla's not doing it for me. Protuberances reminds me of potatoes.
mammilla? too zoological
Dots? Buttons? too cutesy
Acorns? too nutty
Bling? too trendy
Embossings? too formal
Minarets? Sacrilegious and too tall, I think
Steeples? same probem as minarets, and not much better than nipples
Spires? maybe
Turrets? intimidating. Architecture's not helping me. How about geography?
Promentories! No!
convexities? looks good, but doesn't exactly roll off the tongue (hee)
Culminations? Who do you think you are, missy?

It looks like I'm stuck with nipples. English may fail me (or vice versa), but at least I'm not German.

Whatever you are, your Friday night is going much better than mine!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Magic Pants

clicky here!

Clogged Brain Blogged Drain

Today my shoes are wrong. Because I don't make enough money. And now less people will love me.

I need an auger for my mind. I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning, my brain backed up with these thoughts.

1. My bathtub/shower drain is clogged. I cannot feel truly clean when I've showered standing in my own gravy. My scientist roommate claims that she has access to drain-o like chemicals in her lab. Bring em on, I guess. The plunger does nothing.
2. Must make more money (I am making progress on this front, but it still troubles my sleep.).
3. Where is my loving?
4. Where is relief from socio-politio-oreo alienation?
5. When oh when will I realize that happiness will not be found eating fancy-schmancy restaurant foods, especially when I still have student loans up my backside?
6. Why do I watch, say, a re-run of the Antiques Roadshow instead of doing pretty much anything else?
7. Again, where is my loving?

I did manager to roto-root out some mental gunk in my real journal, and get back to sleep.

Has anyone else experienced this? A dream ends just in time for the alarm clock to go off, as if your mind knew that time was up.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Motivate Me

Thursday, October 21, 2004

I Remember, I Remember!

from Infinity
That's about the size
Where you put your eyes
That's about the size of it


from When I'm Itchy, I Scratch
Now, when I'm happy, I laugh
When I'm sad, I cry
I get my melons in the melon patch
And when I'm itchy, I scratch



Monday, October 18, 2004

Still Crazy for Chatter

Jon Stewart on Crossfire.

Strange Maternal Feelings, Lukes

On Saturday, I interviewed my friend about her birthing experience. I always believed that there's no greater birth control that an explicit description of birth itself, but here's another thing that might keep your knees together. When my friend's infant cries, she feels it in her breasts.

I had some strange maternal feelings myself while watching Friday Night Lights at a homecoming weekend event. This movie was so good, it made me give a damn about football. In addition to being a quality entertainment, Friday Night Lights presents a tasty array of young meaty guys. Especially beautiful is Derek Luke, who's first appearance in the movie can legitimately be compared to the dawn for all his glory. But what do these sights inspire in me? Some boring "Oh, I hope they don't get hurt" maternal instinct. Even though these guys don't exactly look like they're really in high school (not enough acne, not gangly enough), they play high school students and I guess that's the problem. When I first started working at a university, the sight of young energetic men and their taught flesh gave me a few thrills. Guys my age were starting to get lumpy. College guys were so eager, so idealistic, so freshly filled out. Now, the thrill of the new is gone. I fear I only have eyes for lumps.

Speaking of old, I also saw Cool Hand Luke this weekend, plus Dog Day Afternoon, and What Ever Happened to Baby Jane (Just call the freaking police, why don't you? Aaggh!). "Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand."

Shame's Results

Well, fear of shame brought me over the finish line, but just barely.

This week I will try a happier motivational technique. Some people call it positive reinforcement, some call it reward. I call it bribery.

Perhaps the week after that, I'll combine bribery and shame. Can't I just behave and do what's good for me for it's own sake. Geez, I'm a handful.

Friday, October 15, 2004

More About Chattering

This is not a critique of a film I haven't seen, but it is about a film I haven't seen.

If not for my profound respect for intellectual property rights and if I consorted with criminals, I might just wait for the bootleg of Team America. I've seen the reviews. A. O. Scott of the NYT writes, "Much as it may pretend otherwise, the movie has an argument, but if you try to argue back, the joke's on you." Well, I'm rubber and you're glue.

It looks like Team America would just be a few good laughs (because it's fun to see flames and stuff, there's no denying). I'm thinking, hmm, smart asses strike it rich in show biz, then bitch about other richer show biz people, then get mad when people criticize them. Do I want to pay ten bucks for that? It reminds me of when Eminem tried to hit Triumph, The Insult Dog.

It bugs me because I grew up in the midwest with people like the South Park guys, then went to college with people like them. And later I was in comedy groups with them. It's all about their pleasure. Heaven help anyone who distracts them from that, be you Pope or pinko. Pleasure is Patriotic. The highest treason is not to criticize military actions or moral leaders. The truly un-American speech is a threat to some "normal" person's comfort and carefree entertainment.

I remember a close friend of mine in high school who complained about the annoying (yes, they were annoying) progressive friends with their many buttons and causes. "What are they complaining about? It doesn't effect us. We're all white and live in the suburbs." "Uh, no we're not. You are." "Oh, I forgot." Yeah, I'm still bitter. No, the South Park guys weren't there, but they could have been.

Shock does not equal subversion. It can just as easily be reactionary. Most of the time it reinforces the status quo.

Of all expression, humor and satire are the slipperiest, like the soap they warn you not to drop. It's meaning zigs and zags. It's product is as fragile as a bubble. Sometimes, the good it does you only lasts as long as that fresh clean feeling. Sometimes, it doesn't do anything but sting your eyes.

It's true that great satire poses questions rather than preaching answers. It's foolish to respond to it the way you would respond to other discourse. But if a joke meant something to you and it pisses you off, then you're human, not necessarily an over-sensitive ass. If you don't laugh, it doesn't mean you don't get it.

So listen up, comedy dickheads of the world. If you want people to laugh at you, don't get all pissy when other people disagree with you. That's the price you pay for being heard. And don't get all flattered either. You're not so big.

Nobody better say anything bad about this post!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Wisp It Good: More Shameless Consumerism

When I was a kid, my dad told me the best smell is no smell at all. (Yes, he actually took time out to say this.) When some managers here floated the idea of applying Experience Ecomony concepts to academic librarianship, some staff were less than enthusiastic.

It's a good thing that Dad and librarians aren't working at Glade, or we'd never have Wisp Home Fragrancer.

"The proof is in the puff--—you can see it working!"

It's not enough to smell an air freshener fragrancer filling your space with esters. America wants to see it puffing the stuff out for a near total fragrancing experience. That's why we have a Show Me state, but no Waft It To Me state.

When I saw the tv ad for Wisp, which is basically a long, low-angle close up of a well-feed nuclear family hovering eagerly over their Wisp so they could marvel at each toot of freshness, I thought, Dear Lord, it can't get any stupider than this. Then, I visited the product web site and saw this diagram:

I love a good pseudo high tech diagram, especially diagrams of maxi-pads and men's razors, but when an air freshener diagram is more complicated than this nuclear power plant drawing from the Tennessee Valley Authority, I'm a little dubious. Of Wisp and nuclear power.

Maybe I'll buy Wisp and actually test it. Maybe not. Right now I'm just disturbed, even though I seem to be the perfect target for the product. After all...

"Glade Wisp is perfect for people who don't want to think about keeping a room smelling clean."says Kelly Semrau, SC Johnson's Director of Global Public Affairs and Communications.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

"No one used the term, resources, to describe anything."

When you find yourself chuckling at a report from a study of the use of library terms, it's time to go home.

Chattering Asses

Yet another piece of celebrity news from imdb land is sticking in my craw. Appearently Sean Penn is in some word feud with the makers of Team America. Whatever. But one of the Team America guys was busting on actor Penn for talking about the Nuclear Non-Proliferaton Treaty, as if it was the height of absurdity. Why is that anymore absurd than a guy who plays with poo and puppets talking about North Korea? I guess it's more absurd because one person is trying to be sincere and the other is safely entrenched in irony.

Yes, its a wacky society that pays more attention to what an entertainer has to say about some important issue than it does to researchers, front line aid workers, librarians or bus drivers.

Regime Change Begins

I have stepped down as director of everybody's favorite improv comedy group so that I can devote more time to imaginary marriages. Seriously, I must devote some real hours to escaping from the soft hell that is my current job.

Last night the group met to discuss its future without me as queen. Even though one guy announced that he was quitting (something I knew was going to happen before the meeting), things went better than I feared. We have interim leaders in place. Of course, the nastiest responsibilities have still gone unclaimed. I WILL NOT DO THEM!

Don't worry, I'm still performing, so you can keep on enjoying that magic.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Unleashing the Motivational Power of Shame

Okay, psych 101 students may know better, but I must try this experiement. I'm telling the world that my goal this week is to request career related meetings with 5 people working in my field of interest. Seven days from now, I will report my success or else look like a total loser.

Shame Countdown Update 10/12/2004 6:43 PM
One request down...


Shame Countdown Update 10/15/2004 3:15 PM
Heavens! It's Friday and I have two more to go. What am I doing blogging?

Like a Rock Star

This past Saturday, I stayed out until 2:30 AM! Can you believe it? Look out, P Diddy! And now, I do the celebrity name drop a la back page of glossy magazine. On the scene were Pinky, Sage, The Admiral, Peth, Yoko, Salmon, and of course, cocktail hostess Shasta--all in manifestations of glam.

Blonds, dirty jokes, didgeridoo demo, geography, guys named Rob, politics, poking strangers, Prince, smoking with music scholar, yummy hummus, and vodka variations.

I was made for the high life, just like Miller beer.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Birthin'

Friends are giving birth all over the place and the babies' names all start with an M. I'm going to interview one of the new moms for my next documentary video class project.

Cameras are often equated with the phallus, but I think the camera is a womb-like machine.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Giving the Boot






This boot
promises to fit regular to large calf sizes.
And check out "Grindelwald".

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

not just yourself, but others

I was more upset than usual by today's imdb gossip column. Here's the sentence that offended me:
"A storm of criticism has arisen in Britain over a 10-minute sequence of the Channel 5 reality series The Farm, in which one of the show's participants was seen masturbating a pig, then collecting about 3/4 of a pint of semen in a flask to be used for inseminating sows."

You can't masturbate a pig! The pig must do it for himself. Isn't that the point of masturbation? Not according to the Oxford English Dictionary Online. The second definition, " 2. trans. To stimulate the genitals of (a person), esp. manually, for sexual pleasure. Also refl. and fig." dates back about as far as the first "intr." definition. Also, there really isn't a better way to express what happened to the pig.

This issue first arose during a Fringe festival improv scene in which I played Gwen Ifill. I bet you're sorry you missed those shows now!

Monday, October 04, 2004

Shameless Consumerism: 7 UP Plus

As an experiment in writing doo dads, I present Shameless Consumerism. In these Shameless Consumerism posts, I will review a completely unnecessary product for you, my huge readership.

The first product is 7 UP Plus.

"If you're really thirsty, drink water," my fuddy dud Dad used to tell kid me whenever I'd plead for a soft drink. He'd probably tell me that if I need vitamins and other nutrients, I should eat a variety of natural foods. Perhaps he never dreamed that one day we'd have 7 UP Plus.

Before 7 UP Plus, the new berry flavored clear sodas tempted me, but I resisted because I couldn't find any diet versions. As if the folks in 7 UP labs were reading my mind with some device hidden in the Wawa beverage section, 7 UP Plus is made with Splenda. To up the clear soda ante even further, they fortified the stuff.

What does 7 UP Plus taste like? Imagine a chewable children's vitamin made liquid and effervescent. If that doesn't sound appetizing to you, consider how many kids OD on those tasty Hanna Barbera shaped pills.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Dilated People

Today I enjoyed getting my eyes examined. I enjoyed letting a small man tell me what to look at --his ears, my ears, my shoulders, a smiley face, a black square, some wavy lines--, reading strings of text that didn't make sense because they're not supposed to make sense, and seeing those freaky colors that you see after looking into a bright light. Yes. I feel happy and loved. Look at my new free shades.

I think I'd enjoy an alien abduction, too, if it weren't for the probes.

Black History Month

October is Black History Month. Thirty-one days, baby!